Idk I guess the reason I’m so engaged in the Buxton drama is that it’s a big flaw I see in myself? People who’ve worked with me can tell you, whenever someone says “There’s a problem with x” to the group at large, I assume it’s my fault and I’m not doing my part.

There’s a saying that there’s a lot of narcissism in self hatred, a saying I didn’t get until recently. Not only does it involve the belief that you occupy a far greater space in other people’s thoughts than you do, but oftentimes it involves placing abnormally high standards.

It’s presuming you are required to do more because you’re you. I have moments of unspeakable cringe at my own moments of weakness, which I would never hold anyone else to. Any perceived criticism, real or imagined, is crushing.

Which brings us to Buxton. Him seeing Hamilton’s post and instantly assuming it was about him is something I would do, because, and I can’t speak for him, I’m not a very secure person. That’s why this is very fascinating to me.

But then he takes a turn. For Will, the point of praxis doesn’t seem to be results, or material change, the point of praxis is to be recognised as having done praxis, to gain clout. This is where the thread unravels.

There are lots of reasons to talk, if you’re Will Buxton, about BLM. One of those reasons is not so that you can get in Lewis Hamilton’s good graces. There ought to be an anterior value, the idea that these people need support against oppressive systems.

I am a craven individual, however, much as I’d like a bf, I don’t post or donate so I can attract a mate. More than anything about the presumption Will made about the targeting of the post, which I understand, the presumption about why you’d talk about BLM is so telling.

Will’s response of self pity, about how he’s the victim of all this, does represent a misunderstanding of what any of this is about. Him throwing a pout and making it about him wouldn’t have happened had he posted for reasons of a legitimate concern.

Instead, it was “I did the good post! I did a praxis! Why are you mad at me? Why didn’t my post placate you? Well I’m taking my ball and going home!”, which is rather childish, and the point is missed.

That being said, I would be wrong if I said that, given the premise that I was labouring under the sort of illusion so described, I would not, and have not, been the sort of person to engage in sarcasm-laden self pity, rich in lyricism.

All that being said, every time, I’ve been wrong to, and not wrong in the way I usually am, or wrong in the way of mental health contributing to maladaptive strategies. It was a more active incorrectness, I was actively refusing to engage with the real issue out of spite.

I was sulking, I was aware I was ignoring the real issue in a way that normally I mightn’t have been, but the overriding emotion was anger, often at myself for being so stupid to give rise to whatever had happened.

This thread is inconclusive and I have no thesis, just some words in some kind of order.