Read on Twitter
diff thread but the xy stuff has always given me Feelings bc I have a personality disorder that makes me have idk low empathy? muted empathy? not like a lack of compassion or a desire to do harm but having an emotional blind spot, lacking a basic thing that makes you human
the conversation about the finger with xxc hurt bc xy really thought he was in the right. he TRULY just didn& #39;t get it. some people are just born with something missing
I think saying & #39;if xy had been raised diff he would have been good!& #39; or acting like his actions were purely the result of trauma/grooming are missing a point. I read him as a born sociopath. but that doesn& #39;t condemn him? in some ways it just makes things more sad & bitter
I don& #39;t want to sanitize or forgive his actions but there is something existentially terrifying about realizing you are NOT right in the head, that you are outside of normal human existence. & I think he didn& #39;t fully realize it until xxc& #39;s death
I think that was the main reason he snapped. it wasn& #39;t just bc of xxc& #39;s kindness necessarily, but what that kindness REPRESENTED: that if things had been Different, of course he could have been normal
I think xy believed he was normal & everyone else was idiotic for their hypocrisy bc to him their hypocrisy was clear. he didn& #39;t experience the range of human emotions that cause people to act irrationally & hypocritically, so of course they seemed ridiculous to him
like we look at jc& #39;s hypocritical/contradictory actions regarding wwx & we& #39;re like & #39;yeah of course, he has a lot of feelings & history, it& #39;s complicated, he& #39;s acting emotionally& #39; bc most of us have been there. xy has not
but xy THOUGHT his own actions made perfect sense & that if he explained them to xxc, who was to him an inherently kind, intelligent, rational person, that xxc would understand. but of course xxc didn& #39;t (bc xy is batshit and killed a whole clan for a pinky lol)
I think that xxc& #39;s rejection was the first time xy realized he was TRULY alone. not just alone as in xxc leaving him, but alone as in & #39;I am not like other people. it was never possible for me to live a normal & happy life. there is something wrong with me& #39;
my pov is that xy& #39;s terror at losing xxc was not (just) about xxc. it was primarily an existential terror. xy thought he was CHOOSING to be unliked, unloved, bc people were trash & he didn& #39;t want to have anything to do with them (until xxc)
realizing that he NEVER had a choice in the matter, that he was ALWAYS going to be broken & disconnected from humanity, dissolved him as a person. no surprise at all that he started literally wearing another person& #39;s face.he had to wear an identity, bc he didn& #39;t have 1 of his own
so when people say & #39;bringing xxc back wasn& #39;t about xxc& #39; bc they hate the ship, they& #39;re 100% right. xxc was the ONLY person who made xy feel like a real human being, & being without him, xy was confronted with his own unreality on a daily basis
Which isn& #39;t to say that xy didn& #39;t have feelings for xxc. But there& #39;s so much more happening with xy, internally & personally, than romantic feelings towards another person, who he lost & mourns frenetically. it& #39;s so much worse than that
some misc excerpts from one of my fave psychological texts which i don& #39;t think is highly regarded anymore but speaks to me a lot on a personal level
