FALLING IN LOVE. ASHAMED AT SEX

During my life, I’ve had some experiences with relationships. I have only had two boyfriends. My ex (first one) and my current boyfriend.

This is definitely not related to my sex life. Because, sexually, I’ve had more encounters. Thing is... I usually have one encounter with one man. I don’t see them again. So the experiences I’ve had are with different guys

Now, this thread is about me and my first relationship. I was pretty dumb because I was so naive. In my mind, having a long distance relationship was something that could work.

I met my first boyfriend on the first trip I did alone. We met through Tinder and we talked about a lot of stuff. Things happened really quickly and we showed to be really close very soon (in less than a week).
Everything was movie-like and I felt in a dream

Well. The dream became a nightmare the day I had to come back to my city. Coming back broke my heart and I felt really sad for a few weeks, but we were still talking...
I even decided to go to theraphy bc I didn’t know how to handle this situation.

Therapist told me I was trying to ruin my relationship and that I had to enjoy it for what it was. So I did, and I calmed down to... however it flows it’s okay.

I remember constantly the fact that I felt so much for that guy, in my heart. He meant a lot to me, but when ig came to sex, I was ashamed. Ashamed because of my masturbation addiction, because of eatching so much porn all the time

Ashamed because I didn’t get an erection as hard as his, or because his erection kept hard for a long time, and my dick just flopped constantly... to the point where I wanted to top him but I couldn’t, so he topped me

I haven’t had much further experience with guys I’ve been in love with, but I have to admit. I have always had this worry about my masturbation addiction, but I haven’t done anything about it.

I think it hurts me so bad in so many ways. It controls my sleep, it controls me in actual sex, it keeps me constantly looking for porn on twitter or on websites I find by searching “gay porn” or “gay porn hd”

I feel bad. Not because I think this is sinful or because a church tells me masturbation is bad. But because it ACTUALLY controls my life.

It just does.
An action that, if I don’t do it, I cannot sleep, if I don’t do it, I tend to feel anxious

If I don’t do it, my stress levels continue to be high (they are high because I have A LOT to do to finish my semester and keep up with my work).