It takes a lot of courage,,nd my hands were shivering while writing this... but finally I m saying this to everyone bcz of some reasons,, which I'll tell u later,, read it:-

My father was a tormented man who drank incessantly to run away from his responsibilities and his family.

His well-trained precision and ability to inflict pain on others was often marred by his inability to handle his liquor. He used to drunk 24*7 and was jobless,, we had very little money and my mom struggled a lot to keep the roof over our heads,,

bill collectors would call, our electricity was turned off a few times and we scraped change together just to buy food. I watched my mom Shatter into unrecognizable pieces.

Loud arguments were a common occurrence every evening after dinner. Yelling and screaming and crying. I would curl up in a fetal position on my bed under a blanket and cup my ears with my hands, trying not to hear. There were threats and cursing and loud bangs.

After several hours of strife, when my father used to go for sleep... My elder sister always tells me that everything will gonna be alright soon,, and that statement became the temporary Band-Aid for my wounded soul.

I carried such shame about my family, I rarely invited my friends to our house for fear they would uncover the ugliness inside the walls. I was afraid if it was revealed, it would somehow be seen as my fault and they wouldn't like me.

For years I harbored a deep guilt because I was never strong enough to protect my mother and sister from my father's rampant sickness. I was the responsible one in the family, the gatekeeper to all the dark secrets; the child who kept everything together

so the outer surface would never look amiss. But on the inside I felt dirty and ugly and empty and worthless to the point where I felt deeply shamneful about my own worth, my very existence.

There was no one to help us out from this ugly situation,,

we started grown up and I didn't wanna see my dad Because it hurt me it really does a lot. I never had a dad that would buy me something, or give me money
Not that I'm interested in his money or in him buying me things

But that's how they take care of u, right? I never had a dad to give me advice... or just talk to me, show me that he cares... never. I love my father. I love him a lot, even though he doesn't deserve it He doesn't care anyway But I do

And finally they got divorced as expected.. when I was in 10th,, I was broken at that time,, but Whatever happens is for good... I was quite happy for my mother,, She was finally freed from that suffocating relationship

Mom was in her own little world with her parents,, they were very poor,, I choose not to be a burden on them,, so I walk off..
Some days after my father sent me to Kolkata to live with relatives ...

But they don’t love me. It’s hard to describe the unique pain that I feel about this, but it’s a very deep hollow sadness that makes me feel worthless, unlovable, and like I’m nothing. I just feel like I’m nothing at all.

Here I would cry at night bcz I wanted to be with my family, I would sleep all the time, I would get mad at small things
aunty is always keep taunting on me wich every small things I do/ not,

my elder brother used u say always that " If u want to live in our house, then all our things u will have accept "
I thought it was just normal,, but Once I had an argument with my elder brother,, He became sm angry while talking,,

and he suddenly said that I'll sell u in to the br0thel, I was shocked like what he's saying,, he said " as u don't have anyone here so no one will even know that where did u gone,, so it will be better to keep your mouth shut in front of me

I kept my mouth shut after that,, then one day he came to me and apologized for what he said,, I m those kind of girl who never get angry on anyone for more time,,so I thought maybe he said in anger,, so it'll be better to let it go bcz inner me I knew it that I have to live here

A few days passed,, one night he came to my room Where i was sleeping with my aunt,, he said me that he want to talk,, it was about 1- 1:30 Am I was like we will talk tomorrow,, he said that its urgent so I thought its ok to go with him as he is my cousin brother,,

so he took me to the terrace as he said that everyone will wakeup if we'll talk here,, Then I asked him that what happened he stood silent for a while,, then suddenly he hold my hands and molested me,, I can't even describe what I've felt at that time,,

I thought he was totally out of his mind that he don't even have sense that what he's doing with her sister I was like aaj bachungi nhi mei but I didn't wanted to let that happen, so I pushed him and ran out from there,, I was running towards the stairs

when I was getting down,, I had fallen and then he caught me but somehow I freed myself from him,,i went to my room and closed the door...
I haven't slept for a while that night,, I thought I would tell everyone about it,,

but I knew it that no one would support me,,bcz I m not their own family member as he was,, so I choose to keep quiet again,, but the next day when I went to my school ,,one of my teacher asked me why that I seem worried as my eyes were turning red bcz i was crying all night

Idk but However I told him all that what happened,, he asked me to file a case against him,, but I knew it that it will be back fire on me if I had done this,, he understood all the matter,, and said me that he is always there for me,, it gave me a ray of hope in the darkness..

But inner it feels degrading and shameful to me,, I just wanted to get over the horror.. I wanted to stop seeing my face on the mirror,, these feeling of inferiority I m left with cause me to be bullied nd bossed around by others at time..

Its not always bad,, but sometimes I feel that I hate myself and keep blaming myself for all these,,
I always get scared even while talking to him,, Idk what happened after a few days he apologized again for his mistake then I didn't even said a single word to him

then he went to live in odisha as he have some property there... but inner I'll forgive him for what he did to me...
But after he gone from here I breathed a sigh of relief,, But there's no improvement in my aunt's behavior

She always keep taunting on me on such small things and keep saying that leave from here blah blah,, but their taunting don't matters at all
Bcz I know that hve no other choice so i gotta stay where I m. they are telling me to move out Now I used to say that

"" I will once when i get a job"

In the other part,, I can't even cry in front of them as they always say that why r u doing dramas everyday and all this,, so I usually go to the washroom and cry with the Sound of the tap..
Why to annoy anyone¿

Then one day i started using twitter just to support Asim,, but later it became a kind of obsession to me,, i started smiling here which I had forgotten so much before. As twitter has given me so precious and supportive friends here may be which I don't even deserve

That is the reason why I always try to keep happy everyone around me and don't even flight with anyone here
If i get into a fight with someone by mistake i apologize and always used to say sorry till they feel good,, I don't want to hurt anyone even a little bit bcz of me

They always used to say that don't make friends, dont talk with anyone, dont go out of the house even when they sees me talking with any of my friend they always used to say that go to them and why r u living here with us

idk what kind of a statement is this but
i can't leave twitter bcz this is the only thing which makes me happy even if for a while..

And I like to pretend here that everything is alright, bcz when everybody thinks I'm fine, sometimes I forget for a while that I'm not ...

And just always pray for my mom that god will protect her and keep her happy wherever she is

I am not a loser, And this is the only motivation that helped me to keep going whatever the situation is. Now i m stuck in a bad situation...But i have a whole life ahead just like all of u. Im not the only one who is sad and who is facing this trouble,

there are millions in this world whose problems are worse than mine.
And there is a thing which I know that my mom is waiting for me wherever she is,, and I have to fight and do something for her,, and when I'd get a job,,

I'll go to her and want to give her all the happiness how much I possibly can

A few days ago my father came to here for some work,, When his work was finished, he left from here without telling me bye
I was so worried about him.
I cried continuously for two days..

I was not feeling well to talk with anyone.. that's why I left from here...
I know where he will be..
But praying that he's safe and happy wherever he is