Thread by @thenightavl, i’ve accomplished two things tonight1) i finished the first book in 6 [...]

i’ve accomplished two things tonight

1) i finished the first book in 6 years that i started reading willingly (school ruined books and reading for me; i only really enjoyed reading textbooks on subjects that i like)

2) i’ve read my first entire book in another language (pl)

i never thought i’d enjoy reading an actual book again
not since primary school where i loved it
and certainly not after high school

but i finished that book quicker than i’ve ever finished any book even a third of its length

and for once it felt nice to read
for me
not a grade

high school made me love languages but hate reading

which is the saddest combination of all

but now i’ve read a book in a language high school didn’t even teach me

i’ve read a book in a language i taught myself and i am happy

i feel like i can enjoy reading again, properly, without feeling horrible about it

i guess i’m just happy i managed to enjoy something i’ve been so desperate to be able to enjoy for ages

school made reading for me hell and idk i feel like i don’t have that mindset that school drilled into me anymore

and i can just read

i guess all i needed was to not be forced to read all those books i never wanted to read

to just continue reading for myself with no academic subtexts

and i guess i can’t complain about education because i was the sort of guy you just expected to do well in everything

but being graded in everything i used to enjoy ruined a lot for me

i got a better grade in english literature three years ago than i ever could’ve hoped

i was so happy when i saw it on my results transcript

but that grade took away my love for reading

while we’re on grades

i have wonderful grades
my gcse results transcript was fucking amazing and i just scraped a pass in PE ayy
y’know i’m lucky to have those grades
i’m thankful for them and i aprpeciate what i went through to get them
people would love my results
but

those grades became my everything
my entire self-worth was placed into letters by myself and everyone
and i’m not saying good grades made me feel shit
i never felt shit because of my grades and that was a privilege
but grades became the foundation of my being

grades became the focal point of all my activities
and when your self-worth is maintained solely by your ‘outstanding’ academic record
if something isn’t graded, it feels like a waste of time
if i wanted to read in my free time, it was a waste of time

if i wanted to speak japanese after i finished the exams, it was a waste of time

i learnt all these things for a rubric, entire languages, fields of mathematics, science and literature
and i felt i had no right to any of that as soon as i left the exam hall
it was over, done

and now i’m lucky enough to be doing a degree in a subject that i’ve truly called my own since i was 13 - a subject which isn’t taught at school

but school ruined any part of me that valued leisure in things that could be graded in

school made me a grade machine

and enjoying something i was taught not to enjoy at my leisure is the most refreshing feeling i have had in ages

for once i read without a deadline and i read faster than i ever thought i could
it was freeing
so my opinion of school is bittersweet

bittersweet because academically i was set up fantastically
but in doing so it made me less of a person

so i’m tasked with retrieving all the little joys i used to find
in reading, in maths, in language study
and i’m okay with that

i’ll take it one joy at a time

y’know school also taught me that imperfection means you should give up

‘cause being good at what you’re good at is all you know

but i dropped out of music because i didn’t feel like i’d do very well, but i probably would’ve done decently

i didn’t pursue athletics ‘cause i was only a good sprinter for 50m and did well in high jump on the two occasions i did it, but if i trained i might have actually made something out of that instead of being the couch potato i now am

i stopped playing the violin when i plateaued when all i needed to do was get over sounding shit and practise

school taught me i was good at some things and made me hate them

and that i was bad at other things, even if i liked them

never was i taught a middle ground

and i look back and i think to myself

i wish past me, amidst the production of grade after grade, realised and believed that you didn’t have to be outstanding to do something
to get a grade to prove your worthiness

past me would tell everyone else the opposite - it didn’t matter how good you were; we were all making progress and i was glad to see people raising their grades and feeling like they’re being truly educated

but for myself it was black and white
be excellent or don’t try

my parents never pushed for good grades either, so i’m the lucky asian child who got good grades without being pressured into it by family

and i’ll never regret my grades
to do so would be looking down on everyone who worked so much harder than me

i always thought those people did way better than me, just on principle, but grades would never reflect that, which i thought was never fair
just ‘cause i was a machine that could tackle the system

so yeah i have good grades
but now a large part of me is trapped in ink on a page

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