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One way I think being autistic manifested itself in me before diagnosis is a desire to be completely nondescript at all times. A desire to blend in and not be in any way noticeable. Now this is not necessarily something all autistic people share. /1
Many #autistic people are quite distinctive. There's the idea that autists often like wearing quite unusual clothing, or often dye their hair interesting colours, or have a non standard hair style. I think this is utterly true, but for some reason it never worked for me. /2
I seem to have learned early on that something about my behaviour was unusual and drew attention. Not only this, but that I *hated* such attention - I would do anything to avoid it, from school to adulthood. /3
Whilst growing up, any time I had *anything* commented on even vaguely negatively (other than by my parents, they didn't seem to have this effect) that thing would have to go. It was a safety mechanism - I couldn't risk being noteworthy a second time as the first was so bad. /4
I remember a girl at primary school telling me I had greasy hair - I really did, but then I was 8 - and ever since then until only fairly recently I religiously washed my hair every single day. For nearly 30 years. Now I'm starting to get old enough to not give a shit. /5
But it was the discomfort and the almost physical pain of the interaction that I feared. If I could go through life, no one ever randomly commenting on anything, then that would be the dream, and I spent most of my life chasing it. /6
Attention on my own terms is OK, it seems. Being a teacher, public speaking etc. It's unexpected interaction that scares the bejesus out of me, and being totally boring to look at makes that way less likely. /7
Being anxious about unexpected, unprepared-for social interaction is a nightmare. You learn to blend in completely, never look at anyone, stare at your shoes. It didn't help bring very tall - that garners attention I wish it didn't. /8
But it has the effect of sort of sanding down or eroding your outward personality. You shrink down more and more as you get older, less and less willing to ever be noticed and focus of attention, unless it's your own doing. /9
The fear of having unwanted attention drawn to you can get overwhelming. It's like a desire to be optionally invisible most of the time, unless we're ready to be watched. I guess this is why so many #autistic people are great performers, an unexpected thing to most people. /10
Anyway, I'm gradually trying to get my groove back doing my long #Autism threads. If you like my stuff feel free to throw a few coins at me here! https://www.buymeacoffee.com/UfTVnRY
