Okay, fuck it, I'm just going to start predicting next week's news, and y'all can RT me as a prophet if I get one right.
-potato blight makes a comeback, spuds may go extinct.
-audio recording that made everyone forgive Johnny Depp was actually a deepfake https://twitter.com/SkyNews/status/1266335781775380480

-Kansas church that defied orders and still held services has a grow op in the basement... and it's coca, not weed.
-Zoom has been secretly archiving all of its calls and selling the footage, we only find out because some school teacher shows up in an ad for Chinese dishsoap

-Phil Collins and Ke$ha have an inexplicable feud
-Kenny Rogers is alive
-Disney pulls a JK Rowling and begins retroactively adding gay characters to its classic films, including splicing new scenes with subtle eye contact & hand-holding into the streamed versions.

-bullfrogs begin overtaking Australia (yes, just like in the Simpsons)
-Mike Pence sex tape leaks, and it's not with his wife. On the same day it's released, he mentions how he's had a long period of repentance, the Lord has forgiven him, and he's ready to move on.

-Las Vegas casino opens, and is immediately the target of a mass shooting
-Trump, apropos of nothing, praises Dylann Roof's math grades in the middle of a speech about auto manufacturing
-Taj Mahal somehow burns down

-prison guards found to be deliberately infecting inmates with covid before sending them out to work in a minority community
-Canadian government okays using drones to drop nonlethal ordinance on reservations that protest pipelines
-cholera's back, baby!

-some obscure cancer drug found to boost testosterone, it immediately sells out and multiple people die of overdoses
-US expands its border patrols 5 miles into what is technically Mexican soil
-misinterpreted physics experiment has everyone claiming that "luck" is real

-Trump signs an executive order that states babies born on US soil will no longer be granted citizenship, claims he'll make it retroactive, no one can agree on whether or not that would be remotely enforceable
-Teslas found to be somehow more polluting than regular cars

-Amazon pilots new program where it just starts charging you for and delivering things that the algorithm has determined you'll want
-Harvard straight up fabricated grades for rich students in classes that they didn't attend, and has been doing so for decades
-VPNs banned

-Owl City and Slipknot record a track together and donate the proceeds to the foodbank in Denver, Colorado for some reason
-Trump enthusiastically endorses landmines ("Very effective - we got rid of them... not smart!")
-Vin Diesel saves a family of 6 from a house fire