Because I’ve been a relatively large black man for many decades now, I can forget how psychologically exhausting it is to live with a constant awareness of the perceived threat that is your existence. It becomes second nature, repressed even. It just is. It’s hard to explain.

Anyways, I can’t tell if weeks - months - like this…when people who don’t look like you awaken to your everyday reality…are good…or if bringing those feelings to the front of mind are actually bad for me, personally. This thread doesn’t have a point. Just thinking out loud.

The lump I get in my throat any time I see a police officer, or am walking down a relatively empty street and see a white person approaching me -- knowing they are scared, wondering what will happen — it’s easier just to not think about it. I know that’s selfish but man.

Just this am I decided not to shave my head because I thought I would look more threatening bald and w/a mask. A few weeks ago (after #AhmaudArbery became a household name) I bought hot pink and red running shirts to try to loo…friendly? as I ran in my neighborhood.

These are just two examples from May, and I did these things almost subconsciously. Now multiply that by every day, forever. It’s exhausting.

The hot pink looks surprisingly good with my skin though. :)

Okay, I’m done for now…guess I needed to vent. Didn’t even realize it.