Read on Twitter
Ok people. Now that it has been over 2 weeks since I've seen this person and I am still healthy, it is time for me to tell twitter a pandemic dating story. This is prob gonna be a LONG thread so ignore if you don't care.
FWIW, a lottttt of details are gonna be omitted out of respect for this person's privacy. He is Very Online and knows I use twitter, and while twitter isn't his preferred social media platform, you never know who is looking you up. Despite how this story ends, I do respect him.
Matched with a guy near beginning of lockdown. Before we knew how long it would be. Decent convo. He knew how to ask questions so already in the top 5% of men on dating apps. Convo would kinda fade in and out for first week or two - not a ton to say when on lockdown.
One day we get into a really solid convo about topics I am trained in and feel very strongly about (the impacts of trauma on the brain, the ACES study, ya know, totally normal light dating app convo for nerds) . We exchange numbers, convo escalates. He is VERY INTELLIGENT
which means he is now in like top 2% of dating app men. We exchange podcast recs. We listen to the same audiobooks and then discuss. Like....such smart convo. Was so engaging and a nice quarantine respite. We had a couple zoom dates. We decide to go on a social distant walk.
The walk was awkward because it was a walk where you couldn't touch. But on the whole, he seemed like a cool dude. He is only looking to casually date at this time, for very legit reasons. That was fine with me as there were def things that make him not fit for serious atm.
But we discussed how if we were going to keep seeing each other it would obv eventually get physical, and you can not multidate physically right now. I told him if he wanted to see other people he needed to just be honest and we could wait 2+ weeks before seeing one another.
I said I knew those discussions made "casual" slightly awkward, but I promised not to be weird about it. I'm v straightforward in general and especially now in time of heightened risk. I just said we needed to be honest and clear and not risk one anothers health. We agreed.
Let me pause here to say, this is the kind of stuff I was referring to when I said no one is speaking honestly about quarantine dating. No one is actually talking about HOW WEIRD social distance dates are. How/if/when to risk the physical stuff. How much weight this adds to shit.
Anyway what followed were two different "dates" at my house. We did hook up. I was pretty clear that if you are gonna kiss in this time you might as well just have sex as kissing is pretty much the biggest risk of all. So that's how that went.
The date part of things was actually v fun. Very relaxed, good convo. Essentially the most you can hope for in such weird circumstances. The sex part had some...challenges. He was married at a very young age (grew up in an extremely religious and fucked up background).
Despite not being with many people, he knew what he was doing as far as female anatomy goes. I got off both times, the second time more than once. Pleasant surprise there.
On his end, I think the weight of being somewhat newly single and now as a non religious person (he and his wife left the religion years ago but he is now adding being single into the new life) plus probably just the weirdness of pandemic dating as a whole or whatever was a lot.
Anyway, I was extremely patient and encouraging, some times worked out for him better than others, but given that this was all a very new situation for me I think I did the best I could do.
I'm not gonna get into all the details beacuse again privacy. But I will say I spoke to my therapist about it and she confirmed that I could not have handled things any better and she actually wondered from my story if I was also a therapist or had that type of training.
Anyway, after the second house-date, I could tell he was a bit anxious as he was leaving. I think he probably felt a little uncomfortable with some of the stuff he had shared with me. So when he got home I sent him a very encouraging text.
I didn't want him to feel weird around me. I also don't want him to feel like he is gonna fail at dating or whatever. Tbh once he can date normally and gets used to singlehood, I actually think he will be quite a catch in many ways.
So I basically reiterated how much fun I was having around him but noted I wanted it to be fun and low pressure for him too (he had commented that he'd had a lot going on and wanted to reschedule but didn't want to do that to me) and it's really totally up to him if/when we see
one another, etc. I'm in quarantine soooo I'm around haha. Emphasized to please not feel embarrassed by anything he'd shared, I was glad he shared it, pointed out some things I enjoy about talking to him and being with him, etc. Really just tried to provide a confidence boost.
Couple days go by, have not received a reply to this text. Not even a "thanks that means a lot, I need a little space it's nothing personal" or anything. At this point, I'm annoyed. I call him out on hurting my feelings & he responds within a minute (cool, so you have your phone)
I won't get into the details of his response because it is personal. I will say, he is going through A LOT, and it is all stuff I 100000% empathize with. I truly can't imagine what he is dealing with and I feel for it.
However, it is basic human decency to just tell someone thank you when they are being nice!! And even his response wasn't like overtly ending things. It was basically just saying here's what I'm dealing with, this isn't your fault it's just shitty timing.
This essentially forced me to basically say ok sorry you're dealing with that, take care of yourself, if you ever wanna chat or hang out again you know where to find me. (A text to which I again did not receive a reply, not a thank you, not a it was great meeting you, nothing.)
Again, the stuff he is going through is serious. And I get sometimes you just gotta look out for number 1. But when someone is soooo kind and encouraging (he used words like kindness, thoughtfulness, vulnerability to describe my text) I feel like minor acknowledgement is valid?
I think part of the reason he just went MIA is because he is v socially aware, and knows that women can become mens therapist and do a lot of emotional labor and didn't wanna do that to me. Fair, valid, I respect it. But if you're that socially aware, you should also know manners
This dude really could not be more of a feminist, more aware of social issues, etc. So the fact that EVEN HE feels the way to deal with something is to just stop replying is....very discouraging.
If there is no hope for a situation to be dissolved with dignity even from truly the upper echelon of men on dating apps, WHAT HOPE IS THERE????? This situation has really made me feel like, what is the point of even engaging in dating. Even on a casual basis.
I get we were casual. I get he doesn't owe me anything &needs to look out for his own mental health and well being first (again, truly emphathize with him and respect everything he is working through). But if you put your trust in someone enough to risk a pandemic to date them...
..then the hope is that they'll at least give you the courtesy of "hey this has been fun but I can't, I'm out." The fact that I couldn't even get that, during an already weighted time of quarantine, made this situation much harder than it needed to be.
Despite this, I believe he is a good person, and is just more new to dating than I initially realized when we first started talking. I do hope he learns quickly, for other womens sake. He also is in therapy and takes it v seriously, so good on him there.
Ultimately, I do hope he is okay. I honestly do care about him, we only spoke/hung out about 2 months but that feels like a year in quarantine time!!! 
and while I knew it would never be serious (which I didn't want either) I did hope we'd end up friends and it's sad we didn't.
and while I knew it would never be serious (which I didn't want either) I did hope we'd end up friends and it's sad we didn't.
It has been hard not to tweet about this story or even talk about it with very many friends. There is still a lot I can not and will not say here but not being able to talk about the weirdness of pandemic dating was killing me. Just wanted to wait until we were def safe. THE END.
