Thread by @sinexander, Well, even the great break down under pressure, and so did I [...]

Well, even the great break down under pressure, and so did I a couple of minutes ago. However, I do believe that instead of going on about my current mental health with no point at all, I'd rather type here what I do when I feel like I'm at rock bottom...

[1/?]

I'm not particularly the most relatable person in the world, which is a common issue I've always had. I'm the odd one among the odd ones, in a way. And I take no pride from that. In fact, it often makes my life quite punitive. Some things that make sense to some...

[2/?]

Are actually quite frankly insane to me. I suffer a lot more than I should at times. And it makes things so much harder for me, specially with how things are going for me right now. Specially tonight.

[3/?]

I'm a very passionate person myself. And the price of my will is quite high; because everything hurts twice as much as it should. I wouldn't call myself a martyr, but I'd love to make my suffering have a purpose. And, in fact, that's my goal in life.

[4/?]

To find a meaning in suffering. My own suffering. A pain beyond what most of you could actually understand, I fear.

I don't underestimate you, because I know it's terribly rough for some of you, and please understand that I know pain is different from person to person.

[5/?]

But, at least for what I know, my life is one of the worser ones, if not the worst. But then again, that's just from my partial perspective on the world around me. It's harsh to live like this. Very harsh.

But...

[6/?]

...sometimes, I also tend to forget that, to suffer is to essentially live. The lows of life are nothing but a proof that I'm very much here, and I'm standing on my own feet. It's hard to explain, but, in a way, pain is just a reminder...

[7/?]

...a reminder that, just like that, every good thing that happens to me is genuine. The few gold nuggets I've dug up so far are worth it. No suffering is pointless, and it makes it all so much sweeter, because for every low, there is a future high.

[8/?]

I've been humilliated, hit, ignored, treated like worthless trash, and that's just by people who, at this point of my life, are completely gone at this point. My dad... he's probably the main reason why I've suffered for so long, if I'm being honest.

[9/?]

He engraved in my some of my worst traits. My fear of driving people away, of being uninteresting...

...being terrified of not being loved by everyone! (As if that was possible at all to begin with)

[10/?]

I've cried very few times, even if my passionate soul wanted to bawl for ages. A face of stone to avoid bothering someone with my honest, pained tears. But, as poetic as I can be, it doesn't make my issue any less simple; I had to repress my emotions.

[11/?]

My childhood was rough, but I've already said that. And, honest to God, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. There are better ways to learn what I've learned from life.

I digress, I'm straying away from what I was trying to get at.

[12/?]

Tonight's been a special case. You see, over the course of this year, me, my brother and my mom were doing our best to find a better place to live in, and abandon my dad in this, and without any better word to describe it, shithole.

[13/?]

No hot water, broken windows fixed with plastic bags, a yard full of rusty metal paraphernalia and not even a proper bathroom. It's getting colder in here too. And my province's really humid, so it bites twice as badly. Needless to say, my own hygiene is compromised.

[14/?]

And my dad thinks that hot water is a luxury. So, it's safe to assume...

...he's a piece of shit who knows nothing about proper human conditions at all.

Me and my family have all the right in the world to leave asap.

[15/?]

Everything was planned to properly get into motion after the quarantine's restrictions lighten up a bit. We'd choose a proper apartment and all that jazz. The whole point was to do things right and cleanly move away. Well, at least that was the plan until tonight...

[16/?]

The two got into a severe fight, at which I did not even bat an eye to. The things I've heard about my mother were obviously lies, but this ogre who's been keeping me living like a zoo animal all my life was just lashing out at the most wonderful person in my life...

[17/?]

A woman who made everything so much more bearable to me. My own guardian angel. The one person who held me safe and calm at my worst. And the piece of shit that is my dad was just calling her names I would've killed any other human if they even dared to say that to my mom

[18/?]

And then, he dropped it. The one line that, in context, should've made me feel happiness for all the wrong reasons.

"Get out by june."

Getting out even earlier of my inhumane homelife? Jackpot!

...except, it didn't feel like that...

[19/?]

It took me some time to settle everything down. My own head was a whirl at that moment, but, alas, I kept my poker face as he taught me. And that's when it hit me.

And I cried. I cried because it hurt. Because this wasn't okay.

[20/?]

It wasn't the triumphant exit I've wished for. It was a kick in the ass, kicking us out in the most terrible way possible. I'm not even going to be able to bring my current computer with us, since, well, he thinks it's his. So art will have to wait too...

[21/?]

(Which might explain to some my recent activity as I'm looking for a newer CPU.)

It felt like a fitting end for a terrible chapter full of suffering. Just... more suffering. That's how my life's been rolling so far. Our life. The three of us.

[22/?]

"...so now what?" I've pondered, tearing up in silence. Was that everything? Am I crying for just more of the same?

This trail of pain is quite distracting, if I dare say so myself. It took my eyes away from what really did matter.

[23/?]

I've been looking at this whole situation with the wrong perspective. Because it's not just "pain". It's the pain of change. Shaping up fate is shedding your skin, and taking every step ahead with your flesh and nerves exposed.

[24/?]

It hurts, but it's different. The very nature of reality is to change things. To evolve. It's violent. It's unpleasant, but it's necessary. Because I've been changing all along. Because I've been evolving all along. I've been learning.

[25/?]

Even though my dad "tore my skin off" in one tug with what he said, it had to happen. It's time for a future without him. Without the pain he brought to me and my mother. As he never suffered, he'll be stuck forever as who he is now.

[26/?]

All my painful mistakes. All the stupid things I've done. All my wounds and scars. All the terrible things I've went through... nothing was pointless. Because it's easy to focus on the lows, but easy to ignore the highs right after them.

[27/?]

I'm a better person. I've learned to be someone who, although scared of many other things, knows that, every time something hurts, it's because there's a lesson to be learned and a high to be reached.

[28/?]

And, even though I said I know I'm not someone relatable, we can all agree that we've suffered at some point. I know I do a lot. But for all the loneliness in my past, it's compensated by all my friends in the present.

[29/?]

For all the stupid things I've said then, it's all the things I can teach now. And for every time I shed a tear, I know that, almost immediately, I had a reason to wipe it off my face.

[30/?]

So, in a way, perhaps I wasn't given the opportunity to say "goodbye" in a triumphant way.

But, honestly? I don't have to. Because that'd make him suffer. And I'd rather let him continue feeling nothing, until the day he dies, than let him learn that one last lesson.

[31/?]

So, if you're reading this, I want you to know that it'll be worth it. And that, despite everything, you're truly living.

Just like me.

[32/32]

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