My problem currently, aside from being ashamed of my attraction to AFABs and my gender orientation, is that the person I like doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, and I’m ashamed of feeling sad, because if I’m sad, does that make me entitled to their desire? https://twitter.com/laliophobic/status/1266206341242056705

I spent a long time as a teenager and younger adult endlessly pining over men, being so hurt in my unrequited love. Not only did I romanticize that emotional reaction, as many rejected people do, but I started to express anger and frustration and sadness to the people I loved.

The way I expressed my feelings was emotionally manipulative, because somewhere inside of me, since my mom died when I was 9 and I have this gaping hole and need for love, I subconsciously believed I was entitled to their attraction, because I loved them so much.

“Wait, they don’t love you like I love you”. “Wait, I ACTUALLY love you and can love you better.” Similar thoughts, the such. When really, I was hurt by their rejection, over-shared my emotions with them, and consequentially, emotionally manipulated the SHIT out of them.

Sure, I’ve had plenty of exes and crushes that treated me like shit. But a part of their behavior was probably a self-defensive reaction to my emotional manipulation. Which, I’m not blaming myself for their toxic behaviors, but I do understand how my toxicity triggered them.

And so, we fast-forward into the bow, where I recognize this old pattern of behavior, and I’m ashamed of it, because this is literally the way men have been entitled to my energy emotionally, sexually, mentally, have been entitled to my resources, etc.

It’s that same pain of rejection that fuels incel culture. Pain lends itself nicely to entitlement. Because rather than respect someone else’s boundaries and focus on detachment from them or managing your attachments/attractions, it’s much easier to just be angry and entitled.

It’s much easier to avoid self accountability and not do the hard emotional work than it is to ACTUALLY respect the person you’ve attached your romantic expectations onto.

ANYWAY, getting back into the today.

So I recognize this pattern of behavior, and I now have been rejected for the first time SINCE recognizing this pattern of behavior, and I honestly don’t know what to do. Because now, since I’m ashamed of my past actions, I’m ashamed of even

feeling. I’m ashamed of how I feel when I look at them, when I spend time with them, because they make my heart flutter, and now, in my mind, that’s bad, because it’s not mutual. Any sort of romantic fantasy I might have would be non-consensual.

And so, in my ashamed mind, all that is allowed now is unconditional love, which will always be there, and pain, which is the result of lack of romantic reciprocation. And THEN, throw into the mix that this person is non-binary and an AFAB. THATS a whole other topic of shame.

I’m trying to allow myself to have my emotions and validate them without shaming myself for having them, but it’s hard to even access that pain and grieve/work through that detachment process (which isn’t really a loss but feels like it is) when I’m ashamed of these feelings.

The shame acts as a barrier. It was hard enough for me to even access my feelings for them in the first place bc of my comphet programming, but now, in my vulnerability, there is MORE shame, because I’m intensely scared of hurting them, of being just as bad as my aggressors.

I’m unsure how to work through these feelings and allow myself a safe space to process them. The only place I have to start is just trying not to punish myself or hate myself for being sad. Which is hard, but I’m working on it.

I’m also debating trying to take space from this person. We’re around each other every day, and we’re best friends, and we’re about to live together, and having to deal with that unreciprocated attraction every day is terrifying. Space will probably help with healing.

I don’t really know how to end this thread but I hope somebody else might be able to learn from my process/help me learn through mine, if anybody has any perspective.