Being loved for my power was the worst thing that ever happened to me, Period.

Put physical and emotional pain aside.
When I felt my ego's growth encouraged with the reward being more love.
Power infected my soul, and I slowly lost my heart to delusion.
Slid from my sleeve to the bottom of my stomach.

It's likely the minority who has the context to understand this tweet. But I was called hot and sexualized with my skill in videogames.
And I loved it.

Now, having become what I've been through; becoming my past.
Now, knowing what I know about myself...

I'm sickened when I look back.
I don't want to.
But I have to go to "that" place to get to a better place.
I can only heal myself from where I see myself when I look my soul.
I've tried desparately to find a perspective that puts me "higher up."

Any angle to catch my best qualities and put them above. But this road is about what's inside. What is below....

I look 360 degrees. And I see a monster, a self-masochistic, self-hating, shame-filled, intimacy-avoidant, sex-addicted... human being.

I'm barely able to carry the weight of who I really am step by step let alone look back and have genuine and insightful introspection.
And so I'm even further from being able to function maturely and rationally within a relationship or friendships.

This doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying though. I will bash my horns into the wall and climb and fall to battle through. I will give it all just for the chance to keep fighting.

This sucks. This sucks !
But this is me. And I need compassion.
So right now, in this moment, I let go of my need to control this restless anger that sits within me.
It's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel.
You'll be alright, Hunter.

Reflecting on the start of this thread. It's deeper than it was before.
Far many more instances before the one's I was focused on, exist.
Too long.