#FatTruth 98. Looking at old photos of myself when I had an eating disorder makes me feel inadequate because I was less fat then. I know people would think those versions of me have more value.

So much so the ED & Diet cuture voices (much quieter but still ever present) say ‘Look how good you looked’. But the thing is I was a fucking mess.

I was a mess, damaged & not happy. So if it’s all just an illusion, 10 years on why do those photos feel so aspirational. Even though I thought I was disgusting? It’s because it’s all fucking fake. Every bit of wanting and desire it’s all fueled by fun house mirror minds.

I can’t look at these photos for too long - I hope one day I can without feeling inherent sadness that I am larger now. I hope also one day that doesn’t make me feel like a fraud. Until then I need to remind myself I was sick. I was unhappy.

When I’m not looking at those photos or even if I look at photos within the last 18 month time frame - I’m fine. But further than that it’s a mess of who is that person? She was incredible & I should of known it. But I didn’t & 10 years from now I’ll probabaly feel the same.

Photos are a weird medium in which you can sometimes feel palpable trauma and attach feelings that aren’t who you are now anymore. It’s a re-living of events with our now minds for some reason the ages 12-24 all have drippings of eating disorder haze and it makes it hard to see.

Even though I am happy now, I am fat positive now, I live a wonderful life and have everything I ever wanted. Some how the snake in my mind curled into hibernation knows that period she reigned - she ruled over me with an iron fist.

For now I’ll put the photos away. I’ll remind myself that it makes sense that I feel like my body would be treated with more value then because it would of. I’ll also look at a photo of me today and say fuck isn’t it nice not to hate myself.