At the end of fifth grade, I was the only student in my class who was changing schools. My parents were moving me to another district. For about a week towards the end of that year, my legs felt like they were malfunctioning.

I remember lying on the couch in our living room for hours, not understanding what was wrong with my legs. Why were they hurting? What was wrong with them? Was nothing wrong with them? Was I crazy?

It went away. My physical mystery ailments always do.

Last night I thought I’d sprained my ankle, or twisted a knee, or somehow injured my leg without noticing.

It hurt. Normally I’d pop some ibuprofen, but I’m not taking painkillers right now. If anything hurts now, I just wait.

My leg feels fine today. It’s the end of fifth grade all over again.

I’d been at that school for six years. I didn’t know anyone where I was going. I was scared. I didn’t know how else to express that. My body hurt.

Whenever I’m hurt, I always tell myself I’ll get better. But one day, I won’t.

That day is coming too soon for too many people right now. So many people just died. My nephew died. We’re surrounded by death and we’re surrounded by denial.

This morning, I passed a caravan of decorated cars outside a Texas high school. Graduation. I started crying and couldn’t stop. Are they going to new schools? Will they know anyone where they’re going? Do they feel safe?

Have they ever felt safe at school?

I lost my job. It’s been seven years since the last time I was unemployed, when I was the most depressed I have ever been. Depression surprises me now, but it’s still depression. It’s always an unwelcome surprise.

So many people are sick, dying, lonely, and scared right now. So many people are hurting.

Tomorrow, I’m going to start #1000wordsofsummer. This thread is what I wrote to myself about why I can’t write anything, why I don’t, why I’m scared. Why I think saying anything is always for someone else to say.

Tomorrow will be different.

I don’t know anyone where I’m going. But these were part of my 1000 words today.

Everything hurts now. I’m not just going to wait until it stops.