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I have been thinking a lot about intention and harm and tone and confusion in conversation, and the way I approach those things as an Autistic person vs. the way a lot of Allistic folks seem to approach them. Here is some general advice I think may not be universally obvious: (1/
When someone says that you dismissed or snapped at or condescended to them, or anything along those lines, and you are certain that you didn't, the take-away isn't that you are right and they are wrong, or vice versa. It's that your intentions and impact didn't match up. (2/)
This is something I experience fairly frequently, from both sides: both interpreting other people's language (verbal or otherwise) differently than intended, and having other people misinterpret mine.
And hearing that is frustrating, but it's also USEFUL. (3/)
And hearing that is frustrating, but it's also USEFUL. (3/)
While you can make a general guess based on experience or empathy, you cannot ultimately predict how a person is going to react to what you say or how you say it. Maybe some people; but not everyone. And having the opportunity to understand and course correct? that's a GIFT. (4/)
I think this is something people tend to struggle with on platforms like this if they're not used to writing for a large audience. If you're used to talking to people you're used to, who are used to how you talk, it can be really disorienting, and that makes people defensive. (5/
And often the difference between misspeaking and being misunderstood is one of perspective. But it's still good to know how other people experience and interpret your words, especially people who have less institutional power than you. And when they express hurt-- (6/)
--the right thing to do is *believe them,* try to understand, and learn other ways to communicate that better line up with what you want to convey. Because that's the *whole point,* of writing or talking, right? (7/7)
POSTSCRIPT: As a friend pointed out, the above depends on the assumption that both people are acting in good faith. Obviously, that's not always the case; and learning to parse and recognize the differences isn't always easy. (8/7)
(That's kind of true of most social and emotional advice, ultimately. We work with what we've got, and adapt as necessary. But it's also worth being clear about.) (9/7)
