Finally feel ready to post this life update. Buckle up for a long thread, everyone. Hopefully, sharing my experience helps others navigate tough situations. #AcademicChatter #AcademicTwitter #phdlife #phdchat (1/18)

I’ve been trying to get an extension of the time allotted for my PhD, but it was decided that I won’t be granted any more time. This means I will get an MS this summer. I can’t capture all the nuance of this here, but I’ll try. (2/18)

This means terminating an NIH F30, leaving my combined program, repaying veterinary school tuition that was covered by said program – all very big weights. I have many emotions that will take time to process: grief, sadness, disappointment, frustration, also relief, hope. (3/18)

Some might say I knew what I signed up for. It’s one thing to know program structure (1 year PhD, 2 years DVM, 2-3 years PhD + defense, and 2 years DVM) and another beast to live the experience. In hindsight, I am not sure this combined program was the best route for me. (4/18)

My research productivity lagged early on, and I couldn’t understand why. How could I go from being called a natural in the lab in undergrad to making no progress in my PhD? Where did that person go? Why could I achieve so much in one place and not at all in another? (5/18)

I also had needs that I may not have articulated well/ didn’t know how best to articulate. I spent time being disappointed in/frustrated with people/systems rather than taking individual action to change the things I could. The result: anxiety, depression, a toxic mindset. (6/18)

I was open/honest with mentors/admin to articulate what I thought I needed, what I saw going on, that I was self-aware and wanted to fix things. A LOT of crying in offices. People said once you do X,Y,Z you’ll be more motivated and everything will fall into place. (7/18)

I thought I could fix my #mentalhealth on my own. Instead, I became increasingly unhappy, dreading going into lab, too anxious to start projects, lying awake at night knowing I wasn’t productive, avoiding conversations where I would be reminded of this. (8/18)

My career aspirations also shifted soon into the program. I discovered areas I didn’t know existed before grad school. Knowledge for knowledge’s sake was not enough for me to feel fulfilled. I needed to be applying that knowledge, using it to impact society. (9/18)

I threw myself into orgs. to explore paths, but also as a coping mechanism to allow myself to feel valued/worthwhile. Being part of org. change and mission driven work is in the fiber of who I am and what I value. I must be involved in these things to be a whole human. (10/18)

Did I over commit organizationally? Yes. I take responsibility for that. But, those orgs. have given me my most rewarding experiences. I discovered my passion for #scipol and #scicomm, and the true impact I want to have as a scientist, aligning my values and skills. (11/18)

There are things that I could have done differently. I am trying to stay accountable for my actions. But, I don’t live with regret. The graduate student is not the only one who should be expected to learn, grow, and change for the better during their time in academia. (12/18)

An important lesson I’ve learned is the value of a network of mentors. Figuring out which mentor can provide you with which type of support – emotional vs. technical vs. career, etc. is critical. One person can’t always be it all. I wish this was encouraged more. (13/18)

I want to make sure I acknowledge/appreciate the technical skills that I gained: working on #TB in a BSL3 lab, working with both cell culture and animal models, grant writing, experimental design. I know what it is like to conduct research in academia. That’s important. (14/18)

But, my translatable skills are where I shine. I am a strong communicator, a global thinker about scientific problems. I see where connections can be made across fields, thinking comparatively. A pro of combined training, but I also credit my liberal arts undergrad. (15/18)

A mentor told me that it is OK to no longer want the PhD that you started. This has been enlightening to verbalize. It doesn’t mean that I am not capable of a PhD or that I cannot get one later. The letters behind your name do not define your success, worth, value. (16/18)

Separating my self-worth as an academic from my self-worth as a human being is a constant struggle. I am trying hard to not see this as a failure, but as an opportunity to grow to be a stronger scientist and mentor. My experiences will empower me to incite change. (17/18)

Long story short, if you want to work with a soon to be DVM + #microbiology MS who is passionate about #scipol, #scicomm, let me know! I want to change the way we do science, the way we talk about science, and the way we train scientists. Let’s do that together. (18/18)