When we adopted our youngest from Taiwan, we had to sign a form stating that we understood she was likely “mentally defective” and that we wouldn’t try to return her for it.

I was so offended by the very idea that Lee thought I was going to refuse to sign, but the form was required. The embassy (ish. Taiwan doesn’t have embassies because China doesn’t like other countries to acknowledge Taiwan as independent) worker said, “it happens sometimes.”

She was in a brown flowered sling, against my chest. We knew her medical records. We knew about the hole in her heart, the missing sections of brain matter, the 2lb 13oz weight at birth, the prognosis from US doctors that she wouldn’t talk or do anything independently.

(If you don’t know what prompted this, check the news. It shouldn’t be hard to find the trending story about the YouTubers who dissolved their adoption of an autistic Chinese boy.)

We knew when we boarded our 16 hour flight from New York to Taipei that she was in the hospital, seriously ill. We knew, from our first two children, both born to us, that parenting offers no guarantees of health or anything else.

We knew a family who disrupted their adoption, who adopted a boy from China & legally placed him for adoption again. That boy had autism, as did one of their bio sons, and the two boys — especially the Chinese one — couldn’t thrive together. I think in that case it was best.

Instances happen in which placing a child for adoption is in the best interests of the child, but 10-25% of adoptions end in dissolution.

Well, that’s what we think. We have no formal or informal tracking system for international adoptions to know how many kids are re-adopted.

Rehoming is another thing altogether. It’s when there’s little paper trail, no formal vetting of the new family, and the outcomes are bad, sometimes fatal, for the children involved.

It’s wrong, no question.

Readoption happens in the sunlight, though. It can still be wrong.

There’s a FB page called Second Chance Adoptions. I won’t link to it. I firmly disagree with the amount of info/pics they share of children needing another adoptive family.

Even when it’s needed, the twice-adopted child’s trauma is compounded & unfair.

Adoption is always unfair, even when it’s right. Kids belong in their families of origin, and any reason that doesn’t happen is worthy of grief.

And the person most impacted by adoption — the adoptee — doesn’t get a say.

I love my family. I love being a mom to six amazing children.

And it is hard, especially since Lee died. Parenting is hard. But as parents, we literally signed up for this, especially in the case of adoptions.

Adoption is an industry, and too many unprepared people are approved to adopt internationally, because $$$.

Sometimes that money is legit fees. Other times it’s bribes or unaccounted for costs. Most adoptive parents don’t ask for any accounting, so they don’t know which it is.

This is white nationalist supremacy, the practice of paying large sums without accounting for where it goes because of the false belief white parents here can provide better homes to brown & black children, then trusting us as parents without following the children’s outcomes.

As for my family, it’s true that we as adoptive parents did a ton of research and required full accounting and refused bribes and had private third party investigations done to try to keep families together if possible.

And it’s true we worked within a system that privileged us.

Ableism is built into the adoption system. Adoption forms include a page (often more than 1) to check what conditions and disabilities you’re willing to accept.

No such form existed for my two children born to me. It was assumed that your child is your child, and you love them.

Checklists of what medical conditions you’re willing to accept in an adoption are probably necessary, but they are also ableist.

We never did them. We adopted kids who were waiting to be matched to families instead of adding us to a list to be matched to a certain kind of child.

All of my kids have mild to severe medical conditions, the two born from me and four adopted by me, including one with autism.

All deserve a parent fighting for them and loving them beyond measure.

None should be killed for going on a run or returned like a damaged product.

Adoptees and autists, I am sorry the news hurts today. I am sorry the news implies you were less than any other child or are less than any other adult.

It shouldn’t be like this.

One more thing:
The common pushback to threads like this one is “so you think kids should rot in orphanages?”

Nope. What I do think is that as long as orphanages and adoption are the only tools we consider, kids will be harmed and families fractured.