-a long ass essay about myself as กัปตัน stan-

heheheheh

tbh idk where to start. because this is a very personal thing for me. i might write bad things here. i nvr thought i am here, writing on this topic.

but again, embracing that part make make us human.

intinya jangan hujat aku ghes soalnya ini personal banget utkku

long story short, i knew him from Lovesick sebagai seorang BL fan sekitar 2016-2017

dia, dengan kepala botaknya itu, membuat aku suka ngeliat dia. abis nonton lovesick, aku langsung follow captain+white di ig

abis itu, yaudah. lanjut nonton yang lain lah WKWKKWWKW

selama beberapa tahun, aku cuman jadi viewers igs dia aja WKWKWKWK

goblok banget emang

dari dulu dia sering update igs kan ya? dia juga ada update waktu dia mau debut di 9by9. yah aku sebagai viewers igs cuman "wah keren juga nih", next. WKWKWKWK

beneran b aja anjir

cuman kyk setelah bbrpa saat, dia ngga udah jarang update (?)

every captain fans know what happened to him, but not me at that time

aku di saat itu? i don't even know what is he doing apalagi pas di era" itu aku sndri lgi bergulat dgn aku sndri hahaha

sumpah, sampai dia akhirnya disband aku pun tak tau apa" anjir wkwkwkw. ketika nights nangis nangis, entah apa yang aku lakukan di saat itu

hebat kan wkwkwk (goblok lu)


malah setelah disband aku baru ngeh lagi dengan keberadaannya WKWKKWKWKWKWK sengklek

titik baliknya ya, kemunculan dia di reminders dengan rambut iconicnya WKWKWK

aku nonton reminders juga karena aku rindu dengan kesederhanaan cerita lovesick. Belakangan, aku baru tau betapa legend series yang satu ini di kalangan raikantopini WKWKWKWKK

tapi yaudah sih saat itu

tapi yang namanya jodoh pasti ngga kemana WKWKWKWKWK

sekitar akhir feb 2020, posting dia nyempil diantara ratusan following aku di ig. akhirnya aku stalking lagi.

his fashion sense smitten me

he really smitten me with his visual, to the point i made my first thai actor fanart for him

u wont find this drawing here, because i haven't made this acc back then

dan temtu saja, aku tidak diwaro (ya iyalah), tapi ini titik balikku untuk dia

yaudah, sih. abis posting, lanjut kerjaan yang lain lah gila.

Apalagi pas itu aku kudu ngejar utk sidang 1 WKWKWKWK (aku hrs sidang 3 kali btw utk lulus)

bahkan kemunculan akun ini di dunia twitter tuh di maret awal tahun ini krn perth tanapon WKWKWKWK

bahkan klo dicek thread fanart di akun ini, yg prtma itu bounprem karena aku kobam UWMA sekali saat itu wkwkwk

beneran ngga kebayang malah akhirnya jadi badut kaptan kayak sekarang njir WKWKWKKW

astaga typonya bertebaran sekali sepanjang tulisan ini

kalo ini dibawa untuk bimbingan langsung dibalikin njir

maaf ya, klo kmu udah baca sampai sini malah jadi keong karena tulisanku ngga jelas hehe

initially i plan to write this "essay" in english. i want my fellow captain stan can read this too. but my limited vocabulary can't really expressed what i feel.

i'm sorry u can ask me directly for the translation if u want too Y________Y i am sorry

idk exactly when do i start being his stan HAHAHAH but it's only months but i do like him for years

tp seiring berjalannya waktu, ku makin sayang

titik balik aku jadi "i stan him" when i learn his past back then. i truly respect him from there

sebelum aku beneran tau dia, aku hanya merhatiin kalo arah postingan ig dia udah beda banget antara yang dulu dan sekarang

his difference really interest me

i do make fun of his a e s t h e t i c a lot, but it's more than that for me.

every captain stan definitely know his past.

dang even write this part really make my stomach churns. it really affects me.

ku sendiri ya sedang bergulat dengan diriku sendiri beneran salut sama dia, hingga detik ini. kalo aku jadi dia, mungkin aku udah ngga ada

i am not there when he went through it, so there's no way i can understand what he and everyone revolves around him feel.

yang pasti, smuanya pasti sakit

tapi bagaimana cara dia utk bangkit yang beneran bikin aku beneran salut banget. dan bikin aku pengen sungkem sama dia

idk what kind of holy power that possess his body to be THAT STRONG. His past teach me something : forgiveness.

ofc there's no way he still in touch with that b'tch. and there's no way he will be the same person after that. no way.

but how he get through it is very amazing

the fact that he deal with the problem in a peaceful way is really something. he gracefully went through all that sh't and become an a e s t h e t i c celeb

jokes aside

in the end, it's always about personality that makes most being fall so deep to another being

since that day, i learn so MANY positive things about him : his humble side, his generosity, his discipline, his consistency, his bag marketing

i truly respect him as a person to another person

ini kenapa aku ngga pernah halu yang macam macam antara aku dan dia

((((tapi klo shipping mah kenceng, entah wwct ataupun tortain WKWKWKWKKW))))

another thing why i am so whipped for him https://twitter.com/heiyoshii/status/1253365959831613445

anjrit udah ah soal dia. lagipula dia juga ngga tau keberadaanku WKWKWKKW

aku mau nulis tentang apa yang aku rasakan setelah jadi stan-nya

even until this day "stan" word doesn't sit well with me. but whatever

tbh, i never thought this acc will mostly tweet about him.

this acc supposed to be my bl rant dump place

and ofc it really affects me personally, even until this day

i am counted as his new fans. and i have this certain fear : fear of missing out (fomo). (((silahkan cari tau sendiri dengan kekuatan internet jika mau tau lebih lanjut soal ini)))

dan rasa ini semakin menjadi-jadi. puncak"nya beberapa minggu sebelum ini ditulis. heheh

ya ini aku hanya asumsi sih, tapi ini yang berminggu-minggu aku rasakan selama aktif di akun ini

setiap hari, awal dan akhir hariku dipakai untuk nyari tau tentang kaptan. BENERAN APAPUN. fotonya di hape udah lbh dari 1300, dan pasti nambah lgi

fbi pls hire me i can stalk well

normal? here's more

"aku merasa sangat 'ditekan' oleh tweet orang" jika itu hal baru yang belum pernah aku ketahui karena aku fans baru. aku merasa aku harus mengejar ketertinggalanku selama bertahun-tahun dlm wkt sesingkat mungkin. aku harus tau banget soal dia"

bermutual di twt terasa berat banget. seakan orang" akan ngejudge aku kalo aku ngga tau sesuatu tentang kaptan. padahal ya, u don't even care

to the point i feel so pressured to some of my mutual kaptan stan. so many negative feelings. but now i really like u

at that point, i really need to put some distance between myself and people on internet. because my mental condition matters more, right?

and i take 5 days (?) break toh aku juga harus gawein TA WKWKWKK

and i actually feel better hahah

another weird thing :

aku takut akun ini jadi banyak followersnya. aku takut aku ngga kenal mutualku. takut, takut banget.

dulu aku punya akun dengan mutual 600/700an? tapi aku hnya ngomong ke org itu" aja. dan akhirnya pada pisah jalan. tiap ingat ini aku sedih :(

sampai ketika aku nulis ini, akun ini udah ada mutual sekitar 80-90an orang (?) and this drives me crazy sometimes. panik banget

aku takut banget aku kehilangan kenyamanan sebagai akun kecil, yang bisa berisik konten kaptan sepuasnya. takut banget. aku takut diliat

aku juga takut banget kalo suatu saat aku ngga nge-stan kaptan seperti sekarang, apakah orang-orang di akun ini bakal menilaiku buruk? atau kalo aku ngga tau sesuatu yg hrs aku tau akan bikin aku keliatan goblok?

smpai pen lock acc rasanya

but againnnnn https://twitter.com/heiyoshii/status/1253508512954503168

gosh i feel so much better after write that out

okay gotta wrote good things again because u all might feel like this after reading my tweets unk
til here

good thing while stanning captain :

i am more motivated to work on my thesis. because i feel like i have him to work along with. i even made an edit about our thesis topic https://twitter.com/heiyoshii/status/1254738264969244672

heck, i even push myself to meet my deadline to watch his 5pm live

and i am so happy that he is going to graduate soon so proud of him (((can't wait to see his graduation pics )))

i am going to graduate october 2020. finger crossed

lowkey i am scared on the future, but i have him to work along. if he can do it, so i am. we born on the same year, both of us are going to be great

he is my moodbooster to get through things

it's not like he is my only ultimate bias in my whole life

i actually like lucas (nct/wayv) and izaya orihara (drrr) as much as i like him. but i believe we have the connection because we are on the same age

yea i know it's funny, pls don't look down at me

another good thing, before i end this long "essay"

through him, i meet so many people online. my mutuals really make me feel those positive feelings thank u so much for being here na

moreover during the quarantine time stay safe everyone

things are bearable with people on your side : on internet or irl.

both of them are valid and equal to be called as "friends"

thank u

-gotta continue it a little tmr-