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Last night when I went in to tell my nearly 15-year-old daughter & #39;good night& #39; she was in tears. She had just realized her school year really was over, and that she wouldn& #39;t be in her favorite class ever again. It was like all at once it came out for her, and I just sat and hugged
her while she talked and cried. I tried not to cry because I wanted it to be her moment, but my heart just broke on a level I never thought possible. As a parent, I want nothing more than to protect her from all of this, and last night I realized even if I stand in front with my
chainsaw out, I can& #39;t stop what& #39;s happening. I can tell her it& #39;s going to be ok, that school will start back in the fall, that she& #39;ll get to play with her orchestra again but I have never felt so powerless. Eventually, she stopped crying because her nearly 13-year-old brother was
in the next room cursing at his video game (I think it was Minecraft but who knows) and both of us started laughing. I wiped her tears and tucked her in ... something I hadn& #39;t done in probably a year or more, you know since she& #39;s & #39;growing up, mother& #39;. I told my mouthy son good
night and tried to tell him I LOVE YOU before he could mute his headset so his friends could hear me and embarrass him, then I crawled into bed and really cried. I mean REALLY. The mister gave me my space and let me really get it all out, just resting his hand on my back.
I can& #39;t explain how broken I felt at that moment, it& #39;s really hard to put into words, but the defeat in my spirit was overwhelming. Not sure if you& #39;ve noticed but I tend to be somewhat of a fighter ... I know, you& #39;re shocked. Welp, last night I felt beaten. Like there was nothing
I could do to stop this. When I was well & truly all cried out my husband wiped my tears and tucked me into bed which was ironic and wonderful all at the same time. After he fell asleep I laid there for a long time, thinking, and trying to get my fire back. To get my fight back.
After about an hour of arguing with myself and trying to make lists of & #39;to do& #39; so I felt like I was doing SOMETHING, I just finally gave up and prayed. I talked to God for a long time, longer than my usual nightly prayer, and I just asked him for strength to get through. And you
know, there was something very freeing and empowering in realizing that I can& #39;t always do things on my own and that something like this is bigger than me. I finally fell asleep with the snoring corgi on one side and the snoring hubby on the other ... and I slept hard. When I woke
up this morning, for the first time in probably a month, I didn& #39;t have to argue with myself about getting out of bed. I didn& #39;t dread reading the news or starting my work, I felt almost good. Strong even. It occurred to me that maybe I needed to break a little so I could reach out
to a bigger and more powerful & #39;force& #39; than myself. It reminded me of when my daughter was in the NICU, and how much I talked to God every night... funny how she was the one who brought this out for me, again. I am more determined than ever to fight for my family, my country, and
