I wanna love Allah and be a good muslim I REALLY do but I just don't understandddd. Hear this out. Allah, the creator, created us, the creations and sent us for a test drive on this planet. Now if somehow we malfunction or don't work out the way he wanted he punishes US for it?

Every single way we behave is literally controlled by Him. HE installed the NAFS in us but somehow it's our fault if we fall pray to it.

Also why are we supposed to look at the sun and the moon and their coming and going to understand the greatness of Allah. Why shouldn't I look at the humans, the best of Allah's creations as he calls it (ashraf-ul-makhlooqaat) are we really perfect?

We literally have war and rape and harassment and pedophilia and serial killing and whatnot. A man made piece of paper with digits written over it is wayyyy more valuable than God made human in this world. How is THIS the masterpiece of a perfect creator??

If he is a perfect creator why do we have disease and death and accident
Why couldn't my mother's knee last longer than 50 years
Why is my dad literally losing braincells because of age
Why are some kids born with autism or diabetes or a hole in their hearts

Don't get me wrong I would love to worship Him. I can offer namaz 5x a day. I can recite the Quran. Pay the zakat. Fast my fasts. Hell I can even cover up for Him. But thats not it is it? We're literally put through trial after trial and we are supposed to be patient through it

What if I tell you I'm too anxious and depressed and exhausted from living that the idea of some supposed lush garden with rivers of milk and wine and palaces in my name and servants and fruit and all that don't excite me anymore?

What if I just want out? No jannat no jahanum no dunya. What if I don't WANT to play this maddening game? What if I don't want to exist i this universe or any alternate universe?

It sucks how even suicide is jot an option for us. It's like our professors telling us to leave the class if we're not interested like leaving wouldn't screw up our attendance lol.

Why do I feel like a kafir for feeling all these things while ALL MY LIFE all I've literally done is try to be more religious and love Allah more and find peace in Islam?

And then we're told the tale of the Prophets how they were put through these tests as well and how they came through. If anything those stories tell us how much the Prophets loved Allah and not the other way around.

How can Allah put us though all of this and then claim to love us? Where is Allah when a small child is being raped and killed? Where is He when someone starves to death? Where is He when a mother dies in child birth?

If He's as close to us as our carotids so that means He just stays there and watches us suffer? Someone who loves us more than 70 mothers and has the power to end our suffering just lets us suffer in agony? Just so He can prove to Himself that He made a cool invention?