CW: Detransition

There are so many heart warming replies from people I don’t know where to start so I will try to outline the situation here:

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I miss walking through the world unbothered

I miss being treated like any other person minding their own business

I miss feeling like people are comfortable to say anything around me and aren’t walking on eggshells trying not to offend me or set off my Dysphoria

I actually fucking hate wearing a bra.

I hate the feeling of long hair on the back of my neck heating me up.

I hate feeling like I have to wear a wig and makeup in order to “pass” as a woman

I hate being treated like a freak when I don’t try hard enough

“Well don’t wear that then just be yourself”

I hate the way people treat me, the looks I get, the shit people say under their breath passing by me, regardless of how I present myself as a woman

I don’t even know the hardship that others face who face real discrimination and are unable to get jobs or even survive as a trans woman in this world. Many of you struggle every fuckin day and I admire your perseverance.

I hate the way cis men treat me, and I have lost respect for men to a point where I feel like I cannot possibly be attracted to them no matter what I do.

I hate the way some cis lesbians have treated me and how rude they can be about the fact that I have a dick

From a romantic perspective it is like literally every group of people outside of the trans community has repetitively treated me like absolutely worthless trash that is a freak of nature.

Trying over and over again yields the same results and I feel like I’m going insane.

Now I don’t necessarily need to be with someone to be happy, I am very happy as an independent person and I love spending time with myself.

But I cannot go on living this broken record anymore, especially as I am constantly approached by people who think they’re interested in me

All of my experience as a trans woman in the past 2.5 years has lead me to understand a few things about myself:

- I tend to have more deeply platonic connections with men than with women

- I was not at all socialized as a woman and have no interest in taking up those behaviors

- I am extremely lazy when it comes to my appearance and although certain things can bug me (I always hated facial hair) I do not actually care how those things influence the perception of my gender

- I actually don’t care if some random person calls me Sir or He/Him

- I hate women’s clothes that actually fit a linebacker sized body such as mine and I tend to feel uncomfortable no matter how good anybody thinks I look

- I feel like I actually know how to be a man better than most if not all other men out there, and I have been very successful at it my entire life

- I grew up feeling like I didn’t really fit in with anyone when I actually was accepted and did fit in

It is only since living as a trans woman that I have actually understood what it means to not be accepted and not fit in.

To be a real outcast of society who experiences discrimination that I previously wasn’t aware existed because I had white male privilege.

Gender is an absolute bullshit social construction that is used to divide people within society by our presentation and freedom of self expression.

So in feeling like I have really gotten a hearty serving of the trans female experience, in a city that is supposedly one of the most accepting in the world, I believe I have satiated my desire to live life in this way and am looking to pursue rolling it all back.

Transphobia is difficult to deal and live with.

However I have also really felt like I assimilate better with men than with women.

My experience has been counter to many others I’m sure, but lately there have been more times that I have felt like a man than a woman.

Transitioning for me was ultimately trading one pile of bullshit for another, and I feel like I am more unhappy with this pile of bullshit than the former.

I have sought help and will be working with professionals to come to a solid determination and conclusion on the matter.

Thank you to all of my mutuals and followers for your continued love, inspiration, and support. I am extremely grateful for all of you and am thankful for everything you have given me. I love you all