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yesterday was really tough because i realized every single accomplishment Ive made, how hard i work as a parent, how hard i work at my job. to be “good”. is all linked to my childhood abandonment
I’m smart, sure. But I have excelled to prove that I’m worthy, for validation i never got, to prove I had value. so that maybe others wont abandon me, or abuse me because i was so good.
realizing nothing in your life is your own, but your traumas’ is 
.
.
this is why i can never relax, this is why i feel lazy for resting. because If I am not doing something good or useful every moment then i am not useful and ppl will discard me.
my work ethic is not strong I’m just trying to make myself valuable to others. I let ppl disrespect my boundaries to avoid abandonment. I over extend myself for others in hopes they wont hurt me
so yea my whole life is a lie. so thats good
