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Boris Johnson
Priapic honey monster and artfully disheveled tribunal-magnet, who only wanted the job so he can see less of his children. I mean fewer. Bullshitted the Queen, arranged GBH on a journalist, in contempt of Parliament. Worst PM since the last one
Boris Johnson
Priapic honey monster and artfully disheveled tribunal-magnet, who only wanted the job so he can see less of his children. I mean fewer. Bullshitted the Queen, arranged GBH on a journalist, in contempt of Parliament. Worst PM since the last one
Michael Gove
Haunted Pob doll with suspiciously powdery nostrils. Genuinely described as "the worst minister ever", but in this company considered relatively progressive, because he once grudgingly agreed that burying the planet under plastic bags might damage profits.
Haunted Pob doll with suspiciously powdery nostrils. Genuinely described as "the worst minister ever", but in this company considered relatively progressive, because he once grudgingly agreed that burying the planet under plastic bags might damage profits.
Matt Hancock
Has the bearing of a man who, each evening, weeps openly in front of his frightened kids, and at the age of 41 still hasn't worked out how to talk to a lady. We all know he has a target tattooed between his shoulder-blades, but it seems kinder not to tell him.
Has the bearing of a man who, each evening, weeps openly in front of his frightened kids, and at the age of 41 still hasn't worked out how to talk to a lady. We all know he has a target tattooed between his shoulder-blades, but it seems kinder not to tell him.
Rishi Sunak
YTS boy put in charge of making the government appear kind, which he read to mean "pretend to be Labour", until he was corrected. In a bid to seem normal, stated that Nandos opening was "the news we all hoped for", on the day we reached 60,000 deaths.
YTS boy put in charge of making the government appear kind, which he read to mean "pretend to be Labour", until he was corrected. In a bid to seem normal, stated that Nandos opening was "the news we all hoped for", on the day we reached 60,000 deaths.
Dominic Raab
Plastic, dead-eyed Rugger-bore who resigned in protest at his own achievements. His haircut costs £8, which is £2 per side. Once made 72-year-old Tory youngsters briefly moist, but fell from grace when he accidentally let them see how utterly incapable is he.
Plastic, dead-eyed Rugger-bore who resigned in protest at his own achievements. His haircut costs £8, which is £2 per side. Once made 72-year-old Tory youngsters briefly moist, but fell from grace when he accidentally let them see how utterly incapable is he.
Andrea Leadsom
Successful conscience donor and effortlessly terrible melted waxwork of Thatcher, who was handsomely beaten in the a leadership election by the most inept PM for 100 years (until now), where her genuine pitch was "vote for me, I'm fertile". Was 53 at the time.
Successful conscience donor and effortlessly terrible melted waxwork of Thatcher, who was handsomely beaten in the a leadership election by the most inept PM for 100 years (until now), where her genuine pitch was "vote for me, I'm fertile". Was 53 at the time.
Gavin Williamson
Cadaver of a weasel, wearing human teeth prized out of a homeless man's face. Almost started a war with China to get his photo in the paper. Then sacked for leaking secret talks in the UN to get his photo in the paper.
Have you seen his photo? Horrifying.
Cadaver of a weasel, wearing human teeth prized out of a homeless man's face. Almost started a war with China to get his photo in the paper. Then sacked for leaking secret talks in the UN to get his photo in the paper.
Have you seen his photo? Horrifying.
Jeremy Hunt
A Picture of Dorian Gray if Dorian Gray was a venomous Murdoch apparatchik bent on auctioning your health to... I'd like to say the highest bidder, but he's not that competent.
I had 7 attempts to type his name in a way that wouldn't get me suspended from Twitter.
A Picture of Dorian Gray if Dorian Gray was a venomous Murdoch apparatchik bent on auctioning your health to... I'd like to say the highest bidder, but he's not that competent.
I had 7 attempts to type his name in a way that wouldn't get me suspended from Twitter.
Sajid Javid
Feral gonad who will (and has) let babies die in a refugee camp to please the Daily Mail. So ruthlessly efficient he reused most of his first name for his last name. Such a prick that the other 3 horsemen of the apocalypse won't even talk to him any more.
Feral gonad who will (and has) let babies die in a refugee camp to please the Daily Mail. So ruthlessly efficient he reused most of his first name for his last name. Such a prick that the other 3 horsemen of the apocalypse won't even talk to him any more.
Esther McVey
Breakfast television's loss is ... everybody else's loss.
Breakfast television's loss is ... everybody else's loss.
James Cleverley
Remarkably successful one-man campaign to disprove nominative determinism, who gave up his leadership ambitions when he realised - and you should read this out loud, cos it's frankly amazing - that he's even less capable than McVey.
Remarkably successful one-man campaign to disprove nominative determinism, who gave up his leadership ambitions when he realised - and you should read this out loud, cos it's frankly amazing - that he's even less capable than McVey.
Priti Patel
Smirking angel of death who has to be reminded not to giggle when she delivers the news she's going to fuck up your children's futures.
Now in hiding after her multiple attempts to fine foreigners for simply existing were rejected by slightly less insane people.
Smirking angel of death who has to be reminded not to giggle when she delivers the news she's going to fuck up your children's futures.
Now in hiding after her multiple attempts to fine foreigners for simply existing were rejected by slightly less insane people.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Posturing, attenuated mantis who was beaten with a Latin Text Book at an impressionable age, but not hard enough IMHO. Took along his Nanny when he went electioneering. For real. Currently openly campaigning to infect and kill the entire House of Commons.
Posturing, attenuated mantis who was beaten with a Latin Text Book at an impressionable age, but not hard enough IMHO. Took along his Nanny when he went electioneering. For real. Currently openly campaigning to infect and kill the entire House of Commons.
Suella Braverman
Graduate of the Sorbonne, qualified barrister, and Attorney General; which makes it strange that, to date, her biggest contribution to the jurisprudence is announcing it was OK to break the law as long as it was your instinct to do so.
Graduate of the Sorbonne, qualified barrister, and Attorney General; which makes it strange that, to date, her biggest contribution to the jurisprudence is announcing it was OK to break the law as long as it was your instinct to do so.
Grant Shapps
Once said "Let me get this absolutely clear, I have never had a second job while being an MP".
Spoiler: he had a 2nd job when was MP.
And a 2nd identity.
And a 3rd.
Not noticeably honest, but that's hardly a distinction in this company.
Once said "Let me get this absolutely clear, I have never had a second job while being an MP".
Spoiler: he had a 2nd job when was MP.
And a 2nd identity.
And a 3rd.
Not noticeably honest, but that's hardly a distinction in this company.
David Davis
So good they named him once.
So good they named him once.
Iain Duncan Smith
Bites the faces off live kittens, squirts tart lemon in the eyes of puppies, and sleeps in a coffin full of money, floating in a lake of orphan's tears.
Actual Satan. I'm not even joking, he's the *actual* Satan. Google it. It's true.
Bites the faces off live kittens, squirts tart lemon in the eyes of puppies, and sleeps in a coffin full of money, floating in a lake of orphan's tears.
Actual Satan. I'm not even joking, he's the *actual* Satan. Google it. It's true.
Liz Truss
Deputy of a thinktank dedicated to improving society, who became a Tory minister - no, really, that was her plan.
Opposed Brexit, then wanted it, then said she'd resign over it, then said she'd do anything to deliver it, then decided it was too complicated and hid.
Deputy of a thinktank dedicated to improving society, who became a Tory minister - no, really, that was her plan.
Opposed Brexit, then wanted it, then said she'd resign over it, then said she'd do anything to deliver it, then decided it was too complicated and hid.
Mark Francois
Gareth Keenan with his vertical hold on the blink.
I don't know this for sure, so don't quote me on it, but it's absolutely certain every time his wife goes out he puts a plastic bag on his head, shoves an orange in his mouth, and masturbates furiously to Zulu.
Gareth Keenan with his vertical hold on the blink.
I don't know this for sure, so don't quote me on it, but it's absolutely certain every time his wife goes out he puts a plastic bag on his head, shoves an orange in his mouth, and masturbates furiously to Zulu.
Theresa Villiers
Working class person’s best guess at what “gymkhana” means, and possible minor Addams Family character. Mostly famous for not being as ludicrous as Gavin Williamson, and her willingness to defend murder in Ireland as long as it was done by spiffing British chaps
Working class person’s best guess at what “gymkhana” means, and possible minor Addams Family character. Mostly famous for not being as ludicrous as Gavin Williamson, and her willingness to defend murder in Ireland as long as it was done by spiffing British chaps
Robert Jenrick
You will forget Robert Jenrick exists by the time you’ve finished this sentence. Notable only for the fact his passport photo says "404 error". Some are born obscure. Some achieve obscurity. Some have obscurity thrust upon them. For Robert Jenrick, it’s all three.
You will forget Robert Jenrick exists by the time you’ve finished this sentence. Notable only for the fact his passport photo says "404 error". Some are born obscure. Some achieve obscurity. Some have obscurity thrust upon them. For Robert Jenrick, it’s all three.
Alun Cairns
Looks like he learned to smile from a book, and is worried he might get taxed for it. Big lover of fox hunting, which is a posh way of saying he enjoys murdering small animals, but dresses up fancy so nobody thinks he's a psychopath. Which I'm sure you don't.
Looks like he learned to smile from a book, and is worried he might get taxed for it. Big lover of fox hunting, which is a posh way of saying he enjoys murdering small animals, but dresses up fancy so nobody thinks he's a psychopath. Which I'm sure you don't.
Alex Ferguson's team was once described as having a "deep bench".
This bench is so shallow it makes Graphene look fat. Is it any wonder they're hanging onto Dominic Cummings? They need his warmth, honestly and common touch.
This bench is so shallow it makes Graphene look fat. Is it any wonder they're hanging onto Dominic Cummings? They need his warmth, honestly and common touch.
