Bleh, this quarantine has only revealed to me how much I have left to grow and overcome in terms of mental health.

I don’t want to get into the bits that have to do with my personal life, but outside of that I have tied my worth to my art far too much.

For example, the “ideal times to post” on here obviously have shifted and continue to shift. So when I post at my old times and a post “flops”, my brain immediately says “it’s because you suck and nobody cares about your art”

This one is hard to admit publicly, but overall I feel sad that my second picrew was just a mere blip. Didn’t even get as much attention on twitter as my first one even though I worked much harder on it.

Before making it, I went and looked at what people felt was missing in other picrews and added as much of it as possible. 3x the bodies was 3x the work.

So I felt very sad when so few people seemed to notice, and even worse when people would say it wasnt good enough.

Logically I understand the fickleness of the internet. I understand that something dumb like when you post can have a massive impact.
I also understand that my style isn’t something that appeals to as many people because it’s so very “anime”. I get it.

Still, it’s hard not to feel sad when something of mine flops but a similar thing by someone else does well thanks to ADHD+RSD and childhood bad times.

Brings back the old days of classmates and my parents pointing at a fellow artist and saying “that person is better than you”

It’s definitely unhealthy to have so much of my sense of worth tied to my art (and by extension its success), but at this point I don’t really know what else it would be tied to? Drawing’s the thing I’ve always been good at. I’ve made literally all my friends through it.

Lately I just feel very empty about my art. I wish I could take a break from social media, but I feel like I’m at a critical point where if I stop posting for a while, I’ll lose my audience, and with it a necessary source of income.

I would like to say that I am not ungrateful for what I have now. Even if my audience is small compared to other artists, I do feel a lot of love and support from you all. Repeat commenters, repeat customers. You all hold a place in my heart.

In every way I prefer having a somewhat “close” relationship with the people who have been here for so long, rather than have a big following that never interacts. So honestly thank you.

Also this isn’t to say other artists don’t deserve the attention they get. This is a post about my own struggles with self worth, especially thanks to rejection sensitive dysphoria and C-PTSD.
The struggle to KNOW I’m reacting badly, but not being able to stop reacting.

At first I felt very embarrassed writing all of this out. It’s very hard for me to be vulnerable even in private. I do feel a little better now.

I didn’t make this post because I want validation, but because I’d like to hear from others also struggling with things like this.