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Here's a thread of how being raised in heavily white spaces have affected both my mental health and behaviour.
Because I use to see them make fun of people with accents, I am able to socially adapt my accent to fit in certain situations. I hate it when I notice it because it shows im not sure of who I am or who I want to be.
I went to this stupid posh school where being rich and white was how you survived. I came out hating how "poor" I was (even though we had enough to survive). Everytime I'd go back in, everyone had something new to show, Id stay in my room on my own to skip the embarrassment
But from that, I've become conscious of money and wealth and during my uni days have confused it for self-worth and happiness. It's one of the main reason I became SEVERELY depressed after.
I also now get anxious in heavily rich white spaces. To the extent where if I'm in a white dominated house party, I get a slight panic attack and have ran into a room to cry few times. Ive also become very good and smiling through it all also.
I usually cry because I know that I don't have the capacity to perform nor take any sort of micro aggressions from white people. It becomes overwhelming when you have to do it ALL the time
I have the need to impress straight/ white men because they are my oppressors. It doesn't happen so often now, but sometimes I do it unconsciously and when it does it makes me sad.
I have anger issues, mainly when I witness isms and schisms occuring. My friends always see me and the happy one, but when it happens it would start with confrontation and then lead to anger/ a fight. I have been beaten several times because my anger forgets that I'm alone lel
When it comes to officials, whether it may be police or say, a boss- I am able to pick out racially charged engagements where my face will say more than anything and get me into trouble more.
But I will later email them what my face was truly saying to avoid having them interrupt me or invalidate my experience by being defensive.
When news about black people getting abused by white people pop up, it stumps my day. Like right now, I've not managed to move out my bed and haven't had breakfast because of having to process both the news and my feelings. It also makes me hate white people.
Positives: I am very empathetic. I am very good at identifying when someone is being hurt- so I tend to show them the level of care I wish people showed me when I'm in that space.
I can now easily identify when a white person is about to chat shit. So I'm quite good at calling it out or confidently showing that I'm not going to engage with because... TRASH!
I am unlearning all the bad things I picked up growing up. It's a process and sometimes I slip up, but one thing is for certain, my self-worth is not based on white standards.
This thread was more about me being openly honest about my feelings and mental health when it comes to existing with white people, because I have a lot of white friends but sometimes, I don't like it that I do because of the work that comes with it. It's tiring most of the time
It's why I'm trying harder to make more friends of colour, queer people of colour and just in general surround myself with people who share the experience so we can all heal together.
