Read on Twitter
Quick thread of all the things I've done this year which have helped with de-compartmentalising myself, I can't really attribute the precise helpfulness of each part but I'm sure all these things helped https://twitter.com/innerchildscre1/status/1265571850551205891
Reading "Courage to be Disliked" and some of "Focusing"
Using that as a level to examine my feelings, and working on accepting rather than repressing or "trying to change" negative ones.
Using that as a level to examine my feelings, and working on accepting rather than repressing or "trying to change" negative ones.
Starting a Roam notebook, primarily about myself. Dumping a whole load of memories into them, about everything I could think of. Cross-linked them with each other
(When I did this I felt a massive resistance: my sex thoughts didn't belong next to my work thoughts!!)
(When I did this I felt a massive resistance: my sex thoughts didn't belong next to my work thoughts!!)
Then did the same with my Bullet Journal: I was filtering what I was putting into it _massively_. Now everything I want to note goes in there. Monologues, analysis, improv.
To-do lists for work, for therapy, for sex
It's /my/ damn notebook! https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1250818002511171586?s=20
To-do lists for work, for therapy, for sex
It's /my/ damn notebook! https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1250818002511171586?s=20
I did a little exercise where I split out the different things I wanted and different personas I held into different sub-agents. Gave them names and what I might now call "masks" of fictional characters
They're all valid and I didn't realise how much so https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1258305471464771584?s=20
They're all valid and I didn't realise how much so https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1258305471464771584?s=20
To do this I kind of just opened my notebook, dug around until I felt some sort of character that I used sometimes in my mind, and then started writing in an unfiltered way
Then repeat.
It was a kinda free-association writing exercise https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1264322772966268931?s=20
Then repeat.
It was a kinda free-association writing exercise https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1264322772966268931?s=20
Interestingly, they all had different handwritings: one was fast and messy, one was full of anger, one was slow and careful, one was performative...
At the end I had the organised one put everything into a table so I could remember it
Each had their own strengths and weaknesses
At the end I had the organised one put everything into a table so I could remember it
Each had their own strengths and weaknesses
This was the culmination of that subagents exercise: it was handy that they colour-coded themselves tbh but Twilight did the categorising and she has good aesthetic sense
The names and characters help me recognise them, or summon specific ones to talk to
The names and characters help me recognise them, or summon specific ones to talk to
I should say they're not "different selves" in a plural sense: more an abstraction for me to split up clusters of submodules that felt similar and "in character" with each other
I don't use strictly those personas every day - as I re-integrate I'm rapidly needing them less often
I don't use strictly those personas every day - as I re-integrate I'm rapidly needing them less often
Using this framework I was able to start integrating the parts of these agents that felt maybe in conflict. Leading to this kind of realisation.
(before this point the "me" for sex might as well have been a different person to the "me" for work) https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1262794934953873409?s=20
(before this point the "me" for sex might as well have been a different person to the "me" for work) https://twitter.com/captain_mrs/status/1262794934953873409?s=20
Interlaced with all of that, a lot of this kind of thing. https://twitter.com/FioraAeterna/status/1200908347026788352?s=20
After all that work I was happier in myself and I was able to talk to the people I was close to more honestly, about my feelings and sexuality and all that.
And to be honest I think it's helping them too. My partner seems more open and more at ease.
Self love is infectious
And to be honest I think it's helping them too. My partner seems more open and more at ease.
Self love is infectious
And of course those conversations uncover more things! As I cover new ground I find more things that trigger my defences, and then I accept being triggered and work with them to work out what's up
It's all one virtuous cycle
It's all one virtuous cycle
So in this particular instance, I'm trying out just typing out my triggered-state shadow-thoughts into another twitter account, as harshly as she feels it, without filtering.
It's... flinch-worthy to look at, to be quite honest
But I think it helps me get things to the surface
It's... flinch-worthy to look at, to be quite honest
But I think it helps me get things to the surface
(That part was inspired by @QiaochuYuan's anima-posting)
But yeah, that's everything so far. And I guess just continuing to hang out near cool people working on themselves *vaguely gesticulating* in the hopes of picking up more ways of feeling like one (1) whole person
/end thread
/end thread
