cw: health talk
late night thoughts: a few months ago I just broke down crying in my male ob-gyn’s office and it isn’t for the reason you probably think

I was having sharp pain in my lower right side and I got paranoid, but got it confirmed that it probably not appendicitis

I have a history of ovarian cysts that required surgery (and have one now on the left side) so I went to see my ob-gyn and they didn’t find anything on any ultrasounds, but based on my history and stuff he said I probably have endometriosis, which is something I thought anyway

But the only way to be absolutely sure is to like...go in and look. I didn’t want to do that and I said “as long as it’s not cancer and I’m not gonna die I guess pain should be fine.”

And you know how in dramatic movies there’s the Armor-Piercing question? This dude, who I wrote off as some super serious dude who was just putting up with my neuroses just asks me point blank “Why is being in pain ‘fine’?”

And I just quietly and, as gently as I could, lost my composure because I don’t know. I haven’t ever felt 100% good since my teen years, mostly mentally but physically as well but in my experience leading up to That Question I just thought “as long as I’m not dying, it’s fine.”

And I think a lot of people feel that way. A lot of other women for sure. I’m thinking about this late at night because I’ve had racing thoughts keeping me awake and one of them is why sometimes I don’t treat myself as well as I should.

This thread doesn’t have a satisfying conclusion, I’m just very tired, but I know I’m loved and I know I’m in love and I have a lot of good things but I don’t know why I feel like wanting to be healthy is something I feel like I can’t just do. Y’know?