CW: Alcohol

I don't know where else to process these things so I'm gonna thread real quick about my problem with alcohol. Obviously, the above CW goes for this whole thread.

There's not been a single night in the last week that I haven't had at least six beers. Several occasions where I've had more than that, up to, I think, around ten or twelve.

I'm drinking my sixth of the night as I write this. I know it's a problem. It's been affecting my health. It's been affecting my ability to work. And yet, here I am, doing it again.

I'm trying to break the cycle. What I've done for most of the past week is start drinking whatever is going in my fridge, then buying more. I don't really finish off what I buy, so the cycle continues.

Tonight, I managed to at least stop myself from buying more. I wanted to. Oh boy, I wanted to. But this can't continue. I'm killing myself by inches here, and I can see it happening.

I've lost sight of why I'm even drinking at this point. Maybe it's to anesthetize myself, but I'm not sure against what. Maybe I just need to feel something other than my own emotions. Maybe it's just habit at this point. I guess it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that knowing hasn't stopped me. Feeling terrible when I wake up in the mornings hasn't stopped me. Worrying about finances hasn't stopped me. I'm not sure what to do.

But I'm trying to break it. I'm trying and, so far, I'm failing. I've talked a little bit about it here, but I think it comes off like jokes. I'm not sure. I don't know how anyone else sees me, of course. I can't know that.

So I guess I'm doing this thread because I want to be open about this, or because I'm asking for help that I don't think this place can provide. Once it's feasible, I might look up local meetings and start a program, but the pandemic has stalled that.

I know I need help. I've talked to my therapist about this. I have been reading books and trying to adopt a healthier mindset, but at the end of the day, I keep coming back to the same pattern. I dunno.

I know addiction won't be easy to break free from. I know that. I know, too, that the first steps are the hardest.

I'm losing myself and I don't even feel like I have a self to lose.