Read on Twitter
CW: Alcohol
I don& #39;t know where else to process these things so I& #39;m gonna thread real quick about my problem with alcohol. Obviously, the above CW goes for this whole thread.
I don& #39;t know where else to process these things so I& #39;m gonna thread real quick about my problem with alcohol. Obviously, the above CW goes for this whole thread.
There& #39;s not been a single night in the last week that I haven& #39;t had at least six beers. Several occasions where I& #39;ve had more than that, up to, I think, around ten or twelve.
I& #39;m drinking my sixth of the night as I write this. I know it& #39;s a problem. It& #39;s been affecting my health. It& #39;s been affecting my ability to work. And yet, here I am, doing it again.
I& #39;m trying to break the cycle. What I& #39;ve done for most of the past week is start drinking whatever is going in my fridge, then buying more. I don& #39;t really finish off what I buy, so the cycle continues.
Tonight, I managed to at least stop myself from buying more. I wanted to. Oh boy, I wanted to. But this can& #39;t continue. I& #39;m killing myself by inches here, and I can see it happening.
I& #39;ve lost sight of why I& #39;m even drinking at this point. Maybe it& #39;s to anesthetize myself, but I& #39;m not sure against what. Maybe I just need to feel something other than my own emotions. Maybe it& #39;s just habit at this point. I guess it doesn& #39;t matter.
What does matter is that knowing hasn& #39;t stopped me. Feeling terrible when I wake up in the mornings hasn& #39;t stopped me. Worrying about finances hasn& #39;t stopped me. I& #39;m not sure what to do.
But I& #39;m trying to break it. I& #39;m trying and, so far, I& #39;m failing. I& #39;ve talked a little bit about it here, but I think it comes off like jokes. I& #39;m not sure. I don& #39;t know how anyone else sees me, of course. I can& #39;t know that.
So I guess I& #39;m doing this thread because I want to be open about this, or because I& #39;m asking for help that I don& #39;t think this place can provide. Once it& #39;s feasible, I might look up local meetings and start a program, but the pandemic has stalled that.
I know I need help. I& #39;ve talked to my therapist about this. I have been reading books and trying to adopt a healthier mindset, but at the end of the day, I keep coming back to the same pattern. I dunno.
