remembering a time in elementary school when they brought some random local celebrity in to speak to us and before leaving he offered to shake all of our hands because “it shook the hand of someone who shook the hand of Abraham Lincoln”

his talk had nothing to do with Lincoln

also his hand was covered in dry, crumbling blood and he whispered in my ear “it was Boooooth” and he cackled like a witch

this dude was 80 years old and in head to toe steampunk

he also noted his other hand jerked off a man who jerked off JFK

he also said “I won’t even tell you where my tongues been” and then he ate out the principles ass in front of all of us