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i’m in such a weird place. i keep thinking about the person that i used to be. how that person dealt with things, loved too hard, fell too often, blamed someone other than herself bc she didn’t wanna admit she had shortcomings bc life has been hard and i wasn’t loved as much as +
my brother. then that person grew up and moved onto her own. got some distance. swore she’d never come back because there was no way in hell she’d come back to a place so toxic and suffocating. didn’t belong, so why go back? only to come back much too soon when it wasn’t working+
out. feeling like she’s taking ten steps backward when it’s so fucking hard to take even two forward. progess, i thought. seemed funny when i moved back that i’d changed so drastically. calmed, patient. distant in ways that seemed grown up that my parents weren’t used to +
i was gonna crush being back, i thought. i was grown up, dad! i’ve changed and i just want peace! i’ll love from afar! and he learned quickly that i was being serious. i was different. broken, somehow bc i love too deeply and want to be important now that i’m older +
but that doesn’t always work that way. there’s nothing on your end, but i’ll love immensely. i’ll be proud if ur proud of me. i’ll be happy if that’s what u are. if you’re disappointed, i’ll mask the hurt on my face before you think i’m being stupid. +
but my actions were blamed on what my parents did to me. how i’m not able to forgive them, so it’s hard to connect with people and trust and love. i don’t think there are things i can give ppl because they don’t matter to me now. like that piece is missing from me +
and yeah, i have issues and i struggle more because of this. it’s exhausting, believe me. i’m good at pretending i’m fine, just fine, because otherwise ppl look at you and all you want is to disappear into the background. you’re comfortable there. sure, it sucks
but it’s my job to continue my growth as a person. figure out who i am when i’m not worried about being something for someone else. i am finding things about me that just... make sense. and those things are for sure not something that i would’ve believed if you’d asked me +
a year ago. coming back to a friendship that always meant a lot to me, lex has always come through in her own way and it’s hard not to feel like she’s the rock weighing you down when ur just trying to explode. and then she introduced me to bts. this group, this family of +
7 korean boys that i couldn’t understand at first but suddenly it clicked one night when i was watching video after video of their shenanigans. i fell hard after that. i feel things deeply. i’ve always been that way, and it’s beautiful but it’s also tragic depending on what +
seems to be going on in my life. but lemme tell you, bts has been there. lex, rock, has been there. they’re constants that remind me to embrace the pieces of me that aren’t so sad, that love the magic of things like korean boy bands when i don’t know any korean +
enjoying music for music. i love these things. i **love**loving someone that’s worth all the effort and support i put into them. i love being proud of the fact that i’m able to live in a time where they exist. where my friendship exists. all i’m saying is +
i’m discovering the me that i know i’ll like. the me that will exist for the rest of my life. the me that doesn’t apologize for loving what she wants and embracing the difference and light to her life. a year ago, i would’ve laughed if you said this was the life i’d be living +
but now, i’m grateful. for my experiences. for my friendship. new and old, lex and sarah are complete angels that keep me going even when i feel like i’m losing everything at once. i’m grateful for bts, the family it’s brought me to. the acceptance of this part of me to love +
i’m gonna stop bc this thread is stupid long, but these are just my late night thoughts as i walk through another phase of my life and reevaluate what’s really important to me. making those steps to better myself even if they seem difficult and uncomfortable. okay. that’s all. 
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growth is real and it’s worth it and it’s something that really changes your perspective on your life. i’m thankful that i’ve changed. that i’ll keep changing. it’s a blessing https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="❤️" title="Red heart" aria-label="Emoji: Red heart">
