If you have the privilege to speak about a marginalisation without it personally affecting you, and you choose to educate others with shame or outrage, you aren't utilising your privilege effectively; a thread on using empathy as a tool and why this is important for EVERY ally

Using empathy with people you don’t agree with doesn’t mean you're sympathising and agreeing where they're coming from. You’re trying to find out their level of understanding and what false logic prevents them developing further, so you can lead them through that misconception.

Shaming and berating people for not being at your level of understanding contributes to a climate of anxiety around ignorance, self-education, or not being "perfect every time" which further stymies people seeking learning and teaches that ridiculing people is acceptable to you.

This contributes to a fear of trying at all - because it feels safer to stay in or deny ignorance than make an attempt and be shamed. Expecting people to be up to your level without helping them get there assumes they’ve had the same opportunities, time and ability as you.

Think of your favourite moments where someone taught you something you didn't know; they likely didn't say "how do you not get this?!" or "its not fucking hard”. They probably very patiently told you the concept in simple terms, and walked you through the logic to get there.

They changed their explanation if you didn't understand, identified the parts you had trouble with, simplified further, corrected misconceptions that prevented your understanding, answered questions, or used language/metaphor/scenarios appropriate to your level of understanding.

You can do the same with your empathy; what might this person be thinking/feeling, from their POV? What keeps them from understanding? Why are they struggling? Hone in on the most base root of their ignorance/bigotry. Is it fear? Confusion? Disgust? Narrow it to its finest point.

Directly saying “you’re afraid” isn’t likely to help though - your goal isn’t to make them acknowledge they’ve been shitty, its to hold their hand through learning. You have to patiently set aside your reaction to their ignorance for the greater goal of raising them out of it.

Knowing where they’re stuck gives you the key to using your empathic skill again, to imagine what THEY need to hear in a way that works for THEM. Personalise your explanations the best you can to their lived experience, make this learning a positive encounter so they want more.

This can be frustrating/uncomfortable because you’re trying to word things in a way that you may not agree with or be perfect, but helps them progress. Sometimes you have to let something slide and work on it later, to focus on one misconception at a time and not overwhelm them.

This is hard work, but it is work that allies are meant for, unburdened by the psychological trauma of the topic. Marginalised people do this work every day, explaining themselves against ignorance over and over - who can be allies outside their own lived experience too

If you come to educating others with an intention of teaching rather than telling/shaming, you also minimise accidental harm if it turns out that person DOES have lived experience you made an assumption about. It is exhausting beyond belief to feel attacked by bigots AND allies.

You don't need to be afraid of teaching something incorrectly. ANY effort on your part is helpful, and you don’t need to make someone understand 100% in one sitting - it all adds up, and someone who knows one more thing can teach it to people stuck in the same misconception.

No one knows everything, people helped YOU learn this far by teaching you or writing things for you to find. Pay it forward again.

There are exceptions, obviously. This won't work on everyone - thats why we have many tools working together. Sometimes people need shaming/punching

Outrage and shame are the tools of the marginalised, an outlet of stress and empowerment, to say how dare you other me and I don't have to play nice, and to use it from a place of privilege is to undermine that experience and lay claim to that stress/grief. It is not yours to use