This week is honestly just kicking my ass so I will angry tweet about it because you could learn a thing or two.

CW: mentions of rape

Instagram has become the platform for people I knew years ago to contact me out of the blue with difficult topics, namely today a rapist of mine

I’m telling you this because I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who have done things they regret and should probably apologize to the people they’ve hurt, BUT there are definitely wrong ways to go about it. This one was one of them.

If there is even the SLIGHTEST chance that contacting someone you’ve caused harm to might find the topic triggering, you absolutely HAVE to give them a heads up and a way to opt out of this conversation before you get into the meat of it. Rule number one.

If the only purpose of you contacting them is to feel better about yourself and not to make actual reparations - for the love of god, don’t do it. Like, literally just don’t even think about it. You’re not ready to talk to them until you’re ready to meet their needs.

You also have to be ready to have a conversation where you might not be forgiven. No matter how good your apology is. If you’re not ready to accept that the other person might not and may never be ready to forgive you, you’re not ready to apologize.

Unless you are 100% there to actually listen and put their needs first for the sake of healing, you could re-traumatize the person and make everything worse. You could set back their healing progress by years. You need to think long and hard if you can do this.

If you tick all the boxes above, you can try and reach out. Don’t just overrun the person with your apology - you need to let them consent to that conversation. Swooping in, apologizing and swooping out to feel better is not an option and is not healing.

Ask if you can talk about what happened between you and ask if it’s ok to apologize to them before you actually do. Give them an option to deny this conversation or to walk into it mentally prepared for the topic. Some people may not want this conversation.

Avoid being casual about it too. In my case, the dude has the actual nerve to casually chat me up about how life is going and also by the way, sorry for that horrible thing I did to you back then - oopsie!
Fucking yikes. Never be that guy.

He has closed the gate for me forgiving him forever with this because messaging me 10 (!) years later casually apologizing for rape while also being like “Oh hey, how ya doing?” Is absolutely unacceptable. I’d really like to not have my week casually ruined.

IF you get the chance to apologize, you have to really apologize. Here are some simple guidelines.
“I’m sorry you felt that way” is not an apology. Don’t use “you” statements. Don’t justify. Don’t minimize.

If you never get an answer to your apology, leave it at that. The other person has the right to opt out of this process whenever they need to and do not owe you relief.
This is hard, I recognize that. Apologizing is hard. But you need to do it right to allow for healing.

Anyways. This week can get into the fucking bin. There. I hope some people learn something and someone else doesn’t have their week ruined with PTSD healing work like me now.