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during the darkest moments I had last year, a wise friend told me once that “You are not what you had to become in order to handle the unfair circumstances you found yourself in.” I suddenly remembered it coz I came across an article saying the exact same thing.
it may not seem like it but I beat myself up a lot when I make mistakes and/or acted horribly/did horrible things. she said, “you cannot help it. we are humans. our instinct is to protect ourselves and you were in such an unfair situation.”
yet i still proceed to beat myself up that the whole situation was my fault and take/accept so much shit for it because i believed i deserved it because i was such a shitty person for doing it.
looking back, i still think it was shitty of me to react like that. but i’m in the process of understanding that, i was just trying to survive that unfair situation.
it was horrible. it gave me anxiety. it depressed me so much and my self confidence is almost irrepairable. until now i still have these attacks on doing mundane things just because before it was a point of argument. arguments trigger me so much.
i still have these random crippling fear at the back of my head. it’s almost impossible to get it out. It’s been months after the worst year of my life and im still at step 1. it’s hard. really hard.
thanks for reading this thread if you did. it’s a coping mechanism after having a really bad night(anxiety does that). if may judgement ka, keep it to yourself. bye 
