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today i came to the realization that everything i wish for hasn’t been coming true. i realize that this is because i do not love myself. i seem validation from others to replace this and obviously it has not worked. i come on here to say this so i can keep myself accountable.
i was never taught to have confidence or how to love myself and put me first. i’m not sure if you can teach those things. i know that at 17 i am starting this journey really late. i turned to many different people throughout my life and clutched on to them.
i thought if i stayed with somebody lon enough they could have enough of love for the both of us. that they could love themselves but also tell me that they love me so i didn’t have to. because i didn’t know how to and mean it.
i know coming on twitter to say such deep and private thoughts aren’t ideal. but the notes section on my phone won’t keep me accountable. none of my mutuals should either. this thread is only for me to keep myself accountable.
i won’t be sharing everything i go through. but just enough where i can look back 5 years and see this and understand where i was at. change starts within.
since i was 10 years old i’ve been told to change how i was. lose weight, grow your hair, smile more, be more friendly has been drilled into my head for over 7 years. i would get so angry at myself at why i couldn’t just follow though on a diet
recently i heard somebody say that you can’t go through such large changes, like weight loss, without loving yourself. when i heard that i knew what i was missing all these years. everything finally clicked. i knew that if i wanted to change my outside appearance-
-i had to start within first. if i can look in the mirror and say i love myself and mean it i know that i can change my outside appearance. for almost a decade i was trying to start OUTSIDE and work my way INSIDE. i thought if i lost weight and “glowed up” then-
i would get enough love and support. this goes back to me seeking validation from others. i thought if someone else were to tell me i was beautiful then i would be able to eventually start believing it myself and in turn gain confidence and self love. i was wrong.
i tried it that way for YEARS. i tried it like that for my entire childhood. today starts something new.
i don’t know how many tweets can be in a thread but i plan on using this thread as a log of daily trials and tribulations and affirmations.
i’m ready to start this journey. i’m ready to really get in tune with myself. find my likes and dislikes and express myself. i also want to reconnect with God. for years i thought religion was just a way for people to control others.
i didn’t understand why people prayed. i always believed in a God but i also was very angry at Him. why weren’t the things i wished for coming true? when i was younger i would pray on my knees for better days. those days didn’t come. i thought this God was ignoring me
and didn’t care about me. i thought people who believed were weird. i would watch people at church hop up and down and put their hands in the air with confusion and embarrassment. how could people be so emotional over this?
my journey with God will be a different one i think. i still hold my reservations on the bible though. i think somebody done the line changed the messages from Jesus and twisted it to fit their own belief. i think that God loves everybody and we can have different ways to-
represent our love for Him. i’ll be back tomorrow for may 27th affirmation.
5/27/20: i love my perseverance. no matter how hurt i am it is very rare that i will give up. today is proof of that. 
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