Here we go! Government guidelines on how we “do church.”

“Congregants/visitors should be screened.”

Hey, we’re Reformed Baptists, we love screening people, obvs.

“Wash religious garments and linens.”

Come to think of it, I haven’t washed my ties in awhile.

“Shorten services... This could include limiting speeches...”



No one told the State we literally let people fall out of windows before we shorten sermons for public safety (see Acts 20:9).

“Children should remain in the care of those in their household unit.”

In a strange turn of events, NCFIC has announced support of government regulations for church services.

“When there is a possibility of contaminant splash... use equipment to protect the eyes, nose, and mouth”

What I’m wearing during our next baptisms:

“When washing is a required activity, modify practices whenever possible to limitat splashing”

Well I see the Presbyterians have had a hand in this. They’ve always liked using the State’s power to try and hold the Baptists down.

“Limit the number of individuals riding in an elevator”

If you have an elevator in your church building, you have got to be preaching the prosperity gospel, amirite?

“Discourage staff, congregants, visitors, etc., from engaging in handshakes, hugs, and similar greetings”

So there goes the holy kiss. And after nearly 2000 years of unbroken practice!

“Do not hold potlucks or similar family-style eating and drinking events”

Do they even know the essential practices of Baptists at all?!

“Consider modifying practices... Examples are discontinuing kissing of ritual objects”

At least these guidelines are Protestant.