my entire life consists of "things done for others". when i say that i don't even get a chance to think about "what would I like to do?" i mean exactly that. the people in my life are all so constantly chaotic and at odds with one anothers lives that nothing lines up for me

i wish people took better care of themselves, because it often falls on people around them to take up slack and help (even when its not explicity asked for or given). being someone who wants my friends and family to succeed and be happy has very much taken a negative toll on me

all that i typically have for myself in a given day is the beginning and the end. waking up and feeling sick, and laying down to fall asleep with a bit of dread about waking up. i might get a moment to pet/feed my cats, or go out and check on the plants, but thats pretty much it

otherwise im just sitting here, waiting to see if i get 20 minutes or an hour to idly browse inevitably depressing shit on the internet until im needed. i cant really get deep into anything unless i explicitly set aside time, and even then, something always comes up

i've recently started medication for my anxiety and depression. it's been really amazing for my overall mood, and my anxiety attacks now happen less frequently/with more readily identifiable causes...but my once depressed/anxious moods are now just a general fog thats settling

i have a generally light and easy mindset as of late, theres often a smile on my face, and i probs dont seem like i'm suffering in any apparent way. internally, however, i couldnt possibly be more confused and fucked up about my interpersonal relationships, past/present/future

im not sure what i was even gonna say with this thread, im coming into week 3 of feeling like this, and while im def. not a danger to myself or others, i feel like i need a drastic reappraisal of my entire life? i guess? because its making me sick, and im already sick too often.

there are people that know how long i've been fighting with these ideas and problems...im sorry i havent had answers or figured it out yet...and for those of you that decided to act for me before i could fix myself, Fuck You. Please leave me alone. also Fuck You.