It's too early in both the day and the week for a full on meltdown, but here I am on a Tuesday afternoon having one anyway.

I'm going to talk about some menstrual/reproductive health things now.

CW: Severe pain and mistreatment by health professionals

I got my period young, before I was 10, but had problems with pain even before that. I used to think it was a tummy ache or gas when I was real young, but realized with my period that what I was feeling had been cramps all along. Terrible cramps that made me unable to breathe.

My dad was against conventional medicine, so we didn't have a proper doctor. What we had was a creepy old man who said there was nothing wrong with me and I just needed more echinacea.

I've never known what a "normal" menstrual cycle is. From the first time I got my period, it was so heavy I'd bleed through the super-extra-absorbent tampons sometimes in under an hour, and my periods can go on for a week or more. I get them anywhere from 10 about 100 days apart.

I also have severe, debilitating cramps. The cramps are worse around my period, but I get them all the time. Usually they are accompanied by diarrhea and can last for hours or days. I can barely move, breathing hurts, I cannot handle being touched anywhere or I'll scream.

I was put on BC pills at 14 to try and manage the pain and also regulate my period. It did help with period regulation, though it did nothing to stop how heavy and long my flow was, and it did little to help with the pain.

I was on BC pills for over 10 years, despite it barely helping at all. Many doctors said similar things. "It isn't really that bad." "This is just what some women have to deal with." "You'll be fine." "It could be so much worse." etc.

One doctor sent me to a specialist after enough harassment. The specialist listened to what I had to say, & without further data gathering or tests, diagnosed me with endometriosis. It was, in that specialist's opinion, the only possible thing that could cause this much agony.

I was scheduled for surgery for endometriosis when I was 19 or 20, and showed up on time. The surgery was a success! Nothing went wrong. Except for the fact that I don't have endometriosis. There was absolutely nothing they could find to explain my ongoing, lifelong pain.

So! Back to the drawing board. The specialist didn't see me again since apparently there was nothing else he could do, I went back to my trusty BC pills, and everyone except me forgot about the whole embarassing mess.

In that time I was also abused by another doctor, a woman who didn't approve of my sexual choices. I can only think she was a sadist, because she performed my first pap smear ever (I was 17) and I cried in pain and bled for several days after. I still dunno WTF she did.

At the age of 24, I discussed my problems with a new doctor, who went over other BC options with me. Most seemed too risky, given my medical history, but she strongly suggested I try an IUD. I researched it and decided it was worth a shot.

Where I live, IUD stuff is all done at special clinics. I was referred to a clinic, bought the IUD ($500) and went for my initial appointment.

The doctor seemed nice, went over info with me, said it'd be easy to insert & done in office. Advised I take some ibuprofen beforehand.

The day I got my IUD is burned into my mind as the most horrific day of my entire life. I've seen and felt terrible things, but this was on a different fucking level.

I was told to expect cramping, but that wasn't it. I can't describe it. What I *can* describe, is the screaming. I screamed so loudly, and with so many profanities, that strangers in the waiting room were apologizing to me on my way out.

I couldn't really walk for about a week.

There was also another part. Before I got the IUD installed, I was forced to do a transvaginal ultrasound. They would not explain why and I would have been refused my IUD without one.

Say whatever the fuck you want, it was rape.

The nurse lady who raped me was kind enough to let me hold the wand for most of the time. She let me do this because I was sobbing and asking why they were doing this to me.

You see, I'm a rape victim with PTSD. So the nurse lady knew.

Anyway, that was in 2015. I got my 5 year IUD in 2015.

Do that math for me and guess why I'm panicking now.

Now, my health has improved with the IUD. It's actually kind of amazing and I'm so happy I have it.

-I still have severe cramps/diarrhea 4 to 6 days per week, lasting from minutes to hours.
-I have no idea when my next period will be, but my flow is way lighter.

To be clear, I have never experienced pain like I did when I got my IUD. Fucking NEVER. I actually start crying when I think about it and can't allow even my partner to touch me. I start having cramps, too.

So what am I supposed to do?

I need my IUD to have a half normal life, but I'm terrified. Doctors here won't use general anesthetic. They all offer drugs to calm me down, but me being "calm" won't make that soul destroying, sickening pain any less.

What the heck am I supposed to do?

I lost my job due to COVID and I don't know if I can get another one. That job let me me sick. I can't stand or walk when I have cramps, and I have to lie down or be in the bathroom for hours.

I can't afford the cost of a new IUD.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't let someone near me, knowing how much pain there will be. I will scream bloody murder. I know because that's what happened last time.

Will they rape me again? Will they explain why this time?

What am I supposed to do?

I'm tired and terrified and everything hurts and I just want it to stop hurting. I am so scared.

And to make it weirder and harder, I'm now 29 and STILL absolutely nobody has any idea why I'm in pain all the time.

After 20 years of doctors and tests and drugs and surgery and pain. And what caused it?