On Sunday, I returned to the church building to preside over the Eucharist for the 1st time.

While my time at the Table felt natural & right, the experience of manufacturing a church service for people on the other side of the camera was, to put it mildly, disturbing.

For those who don't know me well, some backstory:

I'm a pro at being in front of a camera. I got PR training at 11. I've done more interviews & performances than I can count. My discomfort wasn't due to lack of experience.

It was about the distortion of the context.

On Sunday, we created an illusion.

I don't know how to say it any other way.

For the comfort of those watching, we performed something that we, ourselves, were not experiencing: joy. A sense of togetherness. Happiness.

It was exhausting. Disheartening.

And I'm left with this question:

Is this what God is calling me––us––to?

Is this the work of the church? To create illusion?