Here's what the govt expect us to believe: that on the 27th of March, Dominic Cummings both did and didn't believe that his wife had COVID-19, and raced up to Durham to seek out the only available childcare, despite not having asked anyone in London if they could help instead.

Now the drive to Durham is around 270 miles, but Dominic Cummings didn't have to stop at any point for his four-year old child to use the toilet, get a snack, fill up the car with petrol, or anything of that nature. Lucky lucky stuff.

On April 12th (coincidentally Dominic Cummings' wife's birthday) the whole family get in the car and drive 30 miles each way to Barnard Castle to test Cummings' eyesight. Because you always put your 4 year old in the back when you think you might not be safe to drive.

Cummings feels unwell and has to stop driving, so they sit out by the river for a bit. But unlike the heroic effort of the littlun's bladder on the way up to Durham, the 30 minute drive home is too much, and they have to stop in the nearby woods to go to the toilet.

And then, as always happens when you stop to let a child urinate, it turns into play and the family are spotted playing from afar by a passing walker.

That's the government-backed explanation of everything that happened. That's what they're expecting you to believe.

It's so convoluted and confusing. There's so much detail, and yet so many gaps. The account was meticulously worded, and yet totally incomprehensible. And I think there's a simpler explanation for all of these actions.

I think when Cummings' wife fell ill, the family decided it would be nicer to spend 14 days of self-isolation in the countryside where there's private woods to wander around in, rather than cooped up in a (very nice) house with a garden in London.

And I think it was Mary Wakefield's birthday, so the family decided to go for a walk at a beauty spot 30 miles away.

That's it. It was against the rules, but they did it anyway, because it was nicer than the alternative. That's all I think there was to it.

And of course, @michaeljswalker put it best https://twitter.com/michaeljswalker/status/1264954913991405571?s=21 https://twitter.com/michaeljswalker/status/1264954913991405571