Ah so ‘men evolved beards to protect their faces in bouts of fisticuffs’ is an actual paper.
A thread. 1/x https://bit.ly/3d4PDW4 

However, it is still whiffy adaptationism, and one whose experimental data is weak but supports a classic just-so-story of human evolution, but just the type of poor quality research that evo psych people love. 2/x

Or, Panglossian, from Voltaire of course – Dr Pangloss argued that we have two legs cos trousers were cut way, or noses were there to rest the spectacles on. 3/x

Rather like that baffling video in which Jordan Peterson asserts with the confidence of a preacher that women wear blusher because it reminds men of fruit 4/x

…which of course makes zero sense as a) most fruit is not pink ii) most skin is not pale c) why would reminding men of fruit be an advantage and iv) THERE IS NO EVIDENCE FOR IT 5/x

Anyway, the authors have done an experiment, in which shaggy sheepskin reduces the impact of a dropped load more than baby’s bottom sheepskin. Ergo, men have beards to protect their glass jaws in evolutionary dust ups. 6/x

They dedicate a para comparing this hypothesis with the lion’s mane, another sexually dimorphic trait which has been suggested protects ya neck Wu Tang style, but also acknowledge that that’s probably bollocks too, and it’s an exaggerated 2ary sexual trait. 7/x

So, having a beard protects your face in a punch up and that’s why men have beards, they suggest, which would mean that bearded men had more children, and beard genes spread.
8/x

Except that of course there is huge variance in beards in the men of the world, some can grow brian blessed, others are more CatWeazle. 9/x

Presumably head hair also has this punchbag effect, which explains why only men have hair on their heads. And bald men are pathetic losers. #sarcasm 10/x

And bollocks are hairy too, cos a shorn scrotum offers no protection to a swift knee to the happy sacs. #sarcasm 11/x

Tbf, the authors are *relatively* circumspect about their wildly speculative conclusions, while still writing them down. And the press go nuts for it. And everyone knows just a bit less about evolution than before. 12/x

They even acknowledge that in a study of 600 MMA fights, there was ‘no evidence of a performance advantage provided by facial hair’ 13/x

And the Great Bearded One, whose work is so often misunderstood, misrepresented and misinterpreted by people who nominally claim evolution as their ally, does a little cry. 14/x

Remember: Everything is evolved, but not everything has been been selected for a specific function. Maybe beards show masculinity, maybe they are sexy to some women. Who knows. We don't. 15/x

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