you ever think? sizhui as a little kid? might've at some point stormed into the jingshi? giggling because jingyi was chasing him? but then he finds lwj? body limp over his guqin?shoulders shaking as he cries? mumbling a name he's sure he's heard before? over and over again?

so he just freezes? and stares at the man who's taken care of him? for a few months now? the man that braids his hair ever morning? and dresses him in gusulan robes? and feeds him? and takes him to play with bunnies? and sings him to sleep? and loves him? so much? ahaha?

"hanguang-jun?"

his voice is so tiny? so so small? and hesitant? and a little scared? because he's never seen him cry? at least not like this? dry heaving onto his musical instrument? sobs tearing at his tight chest? fingers... is that blood? has he been playing music so much?

the man weakly lifts his head up? honey eyes red-rimmed and filled with heavy tears? that don't stop streaming down his face?

"are you hurt?"

and little a-yuan takes small steps towards him? and holds one of his shaky hands? and stares at the blood? and his bottom lip quivers?

and when lwj doesn't answer him? he ends up crawling into his lap? from under his arm? little feet push at his leg so that he's fully seated between them? eyes round as they stare at him?

"it's ok to cry!"

and lwj cries harder? because he tells a-yuan that when he's crying?

and then sizhui hugs lwj's chest? with his short stubby arms? and lwj's heart aches so much? and he replicates the hug? squishing a-yuan with his stronger and much longer arms?

and they both just... cry?

????????
why am i like this
????????

https://twitter.com/cloudbabywangji/status/1241619768190394368?s=21 https://twitter.com/cloudbabywangji/status/1241619768190394368