Just a thought, no need to respond.
I've not hugged or touched another person in 3 months. Even before then I never got regular human contact that I did not initiate myself. I'm worried that I'm going to be permanently fucked up & not know how to recieve affection w/o being weird

I don't trust unprecedented touches, because I've been conditioned to think those have ulterior motives. I'm only comfortable with a select few people that I have known for years to give me the physical intimacy I need because it's taken a long time to build that trust as safe.

Even then, it's always ME in control. Me asking for contact (verbally or nonverbally). Even then it's usually in such concentrated doses (like over a con weekend) that I'm high off of serotonin for 3 days then crash when I'm back to starving w/ a weighted blanket as a substitute

This has been a condition I've lived with since I left home and especially after my first deeply intimate relationship ending the way it did. I have invisible scars, and control issues stemmed from trust issues and my own insecurities of finally becoming my own adult.

It's scary & I'm tired. I'm skittish the moment I sense someone giving me affection & attention when I didn't ask repeatedly for it, while knowing that's the very thing I want & need!! Honestly should probs go to therapy to figure this out or I'm going to be alone until I die.

Or at least 3 wheeling until I die.

My younger sister got engaged this weekend and I'm so the only daughter out of 5 adults that hasn't brought someone home to my family as a partner so maybe I'm just having a Sophie Hatter complex and settling into being convinced I'm an old woman no one wants.