Thread by @Rattinger, I chose not to date for a couple of years after my [...]

I chose not to date for a couple of years after my divorce. Why go through that pain and disappointment again? Once I did start dating I promised not to jump into anything unless I really, absolutely liked someone so much that were I to get burned it would have been worth it.

This set an incredibly high bar—I had lost the ability to trust and wanted nothing to do with anyone who wasn’t as committed as I was, but this dichotomy is hard to reconcile without coming across as either way too distant or way too invested.

I’m a pretty understanding person, so if someone isn’t into me, I usually don’t let it get to me. But lowering my defenses to allow pain back in has been particularly challenging. I’m a giver, so I refused to fall for a taker.

I’m aware that not having a model physique is a significant hurdle in the search for love—especially after some of the stuff that was said to my face about my body. That can often lead to “settling,” or letting in the first person who is willing to take us as we are. It’s risky.

This refusal to compromise exacerbates loneliness. But I’ve been committed to not letting the first door that opens be the first door I walk through. I’ve had to learn to love myself more than I wanted to be loved by others.

It also leads to confusion: soon after my divorce, any woman who was nice to me made me feel so good that I started to develop crushes. It was such a relief to be treated that way. But I had to remind myself that people can be kind without being interested romantically.

This is of course obvious. But when you’re as vulnerable and hurt as I was, kindness was a tremendous shot of dopamine. I’m smart enough to know it was just that, and I was able to shed any pretense that it was anything romantic. But that also piles on to the loneliness.

It’s a constant struggle to not let the nightmares of divorce take over. I came to terms with it after those first two years, and I haven’t even spoken with my ex in years. I’m fine without her. But the pain and lessons learned are a scar that transformed me forever.

I try not to talk about my divorce when I’m on a date, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. I don’t want any new relationship to be focused on that, but it’s unavoidable: I refuse to fall into a relationship in which I give so much of myself if I don’t feel it’s going to be mutual.

So I may not mention it, but it’s in the back of my mind: I want my date to be absolutely amazing. And if she’s not, then she’s not for me.

That is not entirely fair to them. I know. I’m working on it.

But just because I need to understand people are flawed it doesn’t mean I’m going to let just about anyone in. I’m looking for that happy medium, or whatever it’s called. I have to believe I’ll know it when I find it.

Why am I saying all this? I don’t know. I’m not sure. I think it’s because today I really wish I could cuddle with someone. I really wish I could stroke her hair or sit and watch a dumb movie or cook something with her. I love those simple things that make relationships click.

I’m a dreamer. But I don’t want to idealize anyone.
I think I’m a good person. But I’m flawed, and I need to understand everyone is flawed.
I want someone with similar values and tastes. But I need to remember we’re different, and that’s what makes life interesting.

I think I’m just feeling lonely today. But I know I have friends and family, so I’m not alone. And I want you to know, if you’re feeling lonely as well, know that you too have friends and family.
If you’re looking for love, don’t idealize. But definitely don’t settle.

I have a shit ton of reasons to be mad at my ex, and it’s taken me a long time to get over how she treated me. But she’s not a bad person, otherwise I wouldn’t have loved her as long as I did. She’s simply flawed. It’s been a hard lesson, but it’s one I never want to relive.

I’m getting a little too personal, more than I usually do. I may delete this thread. I promise I’m not trying to be melodramatic. I just am *really* missing human touch and it came out this way.

I should add: I’ve had a bunch of dates since I started going out again. Several lovely women. A few I’ve liked who didn’t like me back, and viceversa. I’ve also been doing zoom dates. They know my name so they might find this thread if they choose to google me. Oh well.

But they should know this: I’m trying to be a better person. And if I like you, believe me you will know. I don’t play games. And I promise I’ll do my best to understand you are as flawed as I am and accept you that way, regardless of whether we hit it off or not.

Hug your loved ones. Be kind to them. Tell them you care. Apologize and mean it. And learn to treasure the little stuff, because that’s what actually makes up the glue that keeps you together.

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