Honestly it made me obsessed with getting married so I could enjoy sex, meaning i specifically limited my interactions with folks if I didn’t see it going the distance, or moved way too fast with girls that should’ve only been casual. And then there’s unlearning the guilt. Oof. https://twitter.com/badgodlessbitch/status/1263159945693978626

I literally used to approach women based on whether or not i could see myself being married to them, and I’m talking daydreams or nada. And it was specific to church women. If I decided to venture outside that group, they had to be willing to convert.

What ended it for me was a relationship with someone who checked all the boxes that purity culture demanded of me, but wasn’t satisfied nor interested in being satisfying. As in we both claimed to subscribe to these ideals but we didn’t practice them to the point of infidelity.

The depression that followed that whole period almost killed me because I felt like I let God and myself down, having lost the person I swore to pursue according to these beliefs I’d held for years.

And I’m not saying it was 100 percent adhered to but that was my North Star.

So when it was over? I dove headfirst into what I thought I’d been holding back from. And this happened twice. Once with a high school sweetheart I was waiting on marriage for that straight up told me I wasn’t pure enough, that led to me losing my virginity (late af mind you)

The time after my only serious college relationship? Oh I went on a spree and if you asked me if I gave a damn about any of them, I would tell you it was what it was. Because I’d based everything I did on resisting urges. That was my merit system and it was toxic af.

Did I love during that period? Yes. But did I feel worthy enough for it? No. Did I feel like I could handle it? No. It literally took almost losing my current gf, over my self absorbed coping mechanism built up from years of purity culture telling me what to do, to get right.

That’s the danger of that rhetoric. Because you literally subscribe to a righteousness by works type of faith, so when your works are literally no longer good enough for man or God, you lose your sense of direction and purpose.

I had to redefine the value of my soul, my experiences, my faith and my sexuality all in spite of what I’d been taught about how to honor God with my body.

And honestly it’s an ongoing process. There are many days when I struggle with convictions rooted in how I was raised.

The important thing at the core of why I’m still a believer is knowing that God uses folks of all types, meaning he accepts all kinds of folks as long as they’re trying to do right by Him and not by what other folks assume He demands.

If sex without marriage was great enough to separate me from God, then Calvary was a waste. Period.

If God couldn’t reach me in what some ministers consider egregious depths of sin, even with my heart seeking him, then what was the point of the Cross?

Additional point: Purity Culture demands “accountability” meaning group think and creating close relationships with folks looking to keep you in check (who actually use that connection to exercise control over your life) Purity Culture literally enables abuse of all kinds.

For every system of control, there’s someone who’s learned the rules well enough to use them to exploit other people in order to become more influential.

Aspiring ministers, counselors, teachers, etc, a lot of them use this system to control folks they want to take advantage of

Final point: follow God, be skeptical of EVERYONE else.