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Y'all, it's the one year anniversary of the time when I realized that I had become TOO Black.
It started when I ordered a pizza. I had decided that I wasn't gonna waste a day off by gallivanting in these streets (post-COVID me is like "eh hehn dumb bit, but I digress). I wanted to move back and forth between my bed and couch all day, tag teaming Hulu, Prime, and Netflix.
That pizza, plus cheesesticks because a bit got a thing for reverse engineered pizza, was meant to complete my lazy day.
Pizza took forever, but it came and was HITTIN. The secret ingredient is spicy honey drizzled on top the pizza for anyone who wants to commune with the gods. It literally put me in a food coma on the couch. Assisted by, if I remember correctly, the show Chewing Gum.
I woke up and was like wow, I need another piece of pizza. The box never made it off the floor next to the couch, so I was like bet, let me reheat the whole thing and just finish this baby off.
I was patient. I put the pizza in the stove instead of the microwave. I feel like the stove make the food get hot from the inside and the microwave make the food get hot feom the outside, and this pizza didn't deserve that lame ass outside heat. So I played the long game.
When I finally pulled that pizza back out the oven, my GAWDT, it was a masterpiece.
And that's when the negro in me emerged.
See, Black people don't know how to wait for food to cool down. I don't know if slavery lunch breaks were too short or what, but a nigga will literally burn their face off rather than just let a plate naturally cool to a consumable temperature.
And when I say Black people, I mean me. I am Black people.
Well, after waiting nice and patiently for my pizza to warm perfectly in the oven to a murderous piping hot temperature, I touched my tongue to it, realized it was too hot to eat, and still tried to take a bite.
I managed to finagle the piece I bit mostly into my mouth, but, unfortunately, I also bit off more than I could fucking chew.
I didn't quite realize what was happening until I felt my titty burning.
But apparently, as I was HAWHOHAWHOHAWHOHAWHOing the piece of pizza in my mouth, some cheese I had pulled from the slice slid of the slice and onto the top of my titty.
But apparently, as I was HAWHOHAWHOHAWHOHAWHOing the piece of pizza in my mouth, some cheese I had pulled from the slice slid of the slice and onto the top of my titty.
I starting feeling something and then looked down, like what in thee entire fuckery.
Y'all, I pulled the hot cheese off AND SOME OF MY TITTY MEAT CAME OFF WITH IT.
I literally burnt my titty *to the white meat* because I could not let that damn pizza cool off.
I had reached peak Blackness.
I had reached peak Blackness.
Afterwards, I was telling a non-Black but dear friend how I had burnt my titty off, and she asked me "so you were going to put a piece of pizza in your mouth that was so hot that it burnt the skin off your titty?"
Um....yes.
Um....yes.
I hadn't truly realized how Black this behavior was until then. But it is in the upper-echelons of Black ass behavior.
And actually, I was now too Black. Because my titty meat didn't heal all the way for at least 7 months. Lol. A constant reminder what negrotiny will do to you. Happy anniversary to me!
