I think it's great when a spouse puts time and effort into exploring how to continue a marriage if their partner comes out and transitions. But I think it's unfair to demonize a spouse for leaving because of it. People are allowed to seek their own version of happiness.

But can we like not go to the whole "widow" thing? That's kinda weird and disrespectful to me because I'm still alive, and I'm still me in so many ways.

At the same time, I’m not “me” in a lot of the ways I used to be "me" to survive…

2/

Pretending I'm still "me” like I used to be me is invalidating. I transitioned because I wasn't being the me I am now. A lot of differences between the two mes are reasons my ex was attracted to old me. I think *expecting* her romantic/sexual attractions to change is unfair.

3/

I've spent years hurting and mourning the loss of my ex and marriage because of my transition. It still stings. I *still* have some days where I want to not be alive anymore because I couldn't continue as [deadname], when the guilt saturates, and it feels like I can’t win.

4/

Ultimately I'm the one who needed to transition, not her.

So I try to disconnect myself from *my* mourning and sadness and wants and desires and remember she deserves what *she* wants, a husband, and it's ok that she was angry at her’s going away, because a husband I am not.

5/