Had to drive past my ex-wife’s house to get to the park, and I saw her new guy mowing the lawn. You might think this would inspire EMOTIONS, and it does, but probably not what you think.

It is the most surreal thing in the world for me to think I was married once

1/whatev

I knew my ex for almost fifteen years, and was married for four. But “I” wasn’t involved in any of it. I’m still coming to terms with how emotionally abusive it was, but it’s like... that wasn’t me. *I* would have never stuck around for as long as I did.

2/

I also wouldn’t have panic proposed in a grief haze following my mom’s death. There was a lot I wouldn’t have done.

When you are closeted, it’s like you are in the sidecar of a motorcycle, but driving through your own life. A Constant Passenger.

3/

I lost decades of my life hiding away and just resigning to a joyless existence. Towards the end suicide became more and more of a tantalizing prospect.

I think, mostly, I was just scared. All the time. And I had no self-worth. It didn’t matter if I went away

4/

I didn’t have any support from my ex. Every time I tried to articulate that there was... something fundamentally wrong with me.. it was mostly met with indifference. “Go for a walk,” “try to get more sleep.” Perfunctory solutions for a complex problem.

5/

Our marriage was not great. It was strained. My own declining mental health turned sex into an anxiety trigger, until it eventually paused indefinitely. I was unhappy, unfulfilled, and stuck. My ex was the breadwinner, and that left me with very little maneuverability

6/

When I came out it was the mercy shot the marriage needed. She didn’t want to be with a woman. I didn’t want to be with... her. It was an easy straw to break a camels back with.

I left with very little, unsure how I would make it.

6/

But a funny thing happened. The more I became myself, the more resilient I became. I found a good job and argued for good pay. I moved twice, despite having not lived by myself for decades. I got sick, and survived. Car issues. Rent problems.

6/

But I survived it all. Now I’m in an apartment I love, drawing daily. Even the bike was a success - I never would have spent that much on myself, especially for something that would force me to go outside.

I live my little life, and it is a good little life to live.

7/

I was with her for fifteen years and I can barely remember it. I have lived decades in the nearly two years since. I pass by that house and it is not mine, and it is not a place I ever want to set foot in again

In truth, I would be a stranger there.