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It& #39;s bad in my head right now. It& #39;s bad all over but I had to go to the hospital for severe dehydration from what I thought was a really bad stomach bug but there needs to be out patient testing done because there is some & #39;suspicious& #39; findings in my colon.
I am in a lot of debt. I live with my parents and they dont know the extent. Giving that with the constant pain, vomiting and diarrhea right now they are understandably avoiding me. In my solitude I& #39;m replaying everything I& #39;ve done to screw my life up.
I& #39;m texting with my shrink and putting it out there: Ending my life will only make things worse for my family, who, despite how much I& #39;ve fucked up, are all I really care about.
So, publically, I& #39;m pledging: I& #39;m putting off drastic measures for today.
So, publically, I& #39;m pledging: I& #39;m putting off drastic measures for today.
The only way to make my life better is to get physically better so I can get a day job, continue modeling and dig myself out of the hole i put myself in. In reality i probably need a week to get some physical strength back
But right now a week sounds overwhelming. So I& #39;m giving it a day. I will check in to Twitter every day. I will work on rehydration. I will not take extra valium or OTCs for my panic as they could affect my stomach and worsen things.
The only way to & #39;end the pain& #39; is to get better physically so I can deal with the non physical issues. If I get better and my parents think I should leave, they have every right to. I know what shelters are local and have a few couches possible. It& #39;s scary but
I& #39;ve survived several botched surgeries, years of being labeled a junkie and a hypochondriac before my rheumatoid arthritis was diagnosed, I can and will survive whatever comes next no matter how scary or uncomfortable.
I& #39;m 37. I will get control of my body and life.
I& #39;m 37. I will get control of my body and life.
Trying to keep Obama& #39;s line about how doing what feels good right now is what children do. I& #39;ve lived my life doing that, thinking & #39;I& #39;ll fix it later.& #39; That& #39;s how I screwed my life up so badly.
Even in the moment to moment: no more. Clear fluids and BRAT diet.
Even in the moment to moment: no more. Clear fluids and BRAT diet.
No extra meds. All prescribed meds will be taken responsibly. When I have energy, I will do one chore at a time. Even if there is something really wrong with my literal insides, I will survive and I will be a damn adult.
My mantra right now: it& #39;s never too late. My brain is telling me otherwise, but despair seems to feed on the lack of things: Lack of nutrients, lack of sleep, lack of hope. I will not trust what my anxiety and depression are telling me.
