A Gentleman’s Guide To Trade Etiquette (a thread)

Rule #1: Always address your trade partner using the formal “sir” or “madam.” Unless they reject your trade offer without countering. Then a switch to the informal “dick” or “ho bag” is acceptable.

Rule #2: It’s discourteous to ignore trade offers. Even the really bad ones. Even the ones that make your stomach turn. Even the ones that include Sammy Watkins. So be courteous, even in the face of a Sammy Watkins trade offer.

Rule #3: Never collude. It taints the integrity of the league. In the event of proven collusion, politely request the colluders reverse the trade. If they resist, the situation can only be resolved with a Royal Rumble style battle to the death.

Rule #4: Put yourself in the other owner’s shoes before offering a trade. And, if possible, put yourself in their underpants. It’s the quickest way to understand their truest wants. This will help you ensure a fair and desirable trade offer.

Rule #5: One owner’s trash might be another owner’s treasure, but it’s probably the owner’s trash, too. Especially if that player is Sammy Watkins. Stop…stop trying to trade Sammy Watkins.

Rule #6: Handwritten letters show you care. For a personal touch, mail them a letter requesting a trade. Include a sketch of the player you’re trying to acquire, along with a lock of hair from their loved one. To show you’re serious.

Rule #7: Don’t spam offers. Also don’t ham offers. I don’t know what that would even mean, but it doesn’t sound very gentlemanly.

Rule #8: Don't let people tell you how to trade. You be as big of a "sir" or "madam" or "dick" or "ho bag" as you want when trading. Because...it's fantasy football.