i joined an internet cult run by @nikillinit (tbh who even is this guy).

someone asked the Q:
Were you considered a "gifted kid" growing up? How has that impacted your life?

Coasting through good schools, relying on playing the game well. At the time, I "knew" that my approach wasn't sustainable and that I "need" to develop a work ethic, but, having been a kid, it was hard to find a compelling reason "why".

I thought work ethic was important for success in the conventional sense. Success in the conventional sense being defined by the new immigrant american dream platform my parents raised me on - respectable career, good education, can afford to smoke and get cancer in america, etc.

I was told, and believed, that a good work ethic was important for success, and I didn't believe i had one. This led me to latch onto the idea that I will never be successful until I fix my work ethic.

Not believing I could get into a good school unless I fixed my work ethic was the first false belief. Not believing in my ability to land a good professional job after school was the next one.

Landing my first full-time gig at $bigTechCompany relieved this ever-present sense of doubt for a while - I had done the thing! No need to doubt or disbelieve self ever again, as you have objectively just proved yourself to yourself! Run it back young sisyphus, the world is yours

Not only did I do it, I did it my way. I'm not one of them...those try-hard only-live-to-work suckers. In my own sick way, I was convinced I outsmarted the system and only put in as much effort as I needed, to get what I wanted.

At 25 and firmly in the throes of adjusting to adult life I've gotten to learn how my childhood best guesses about the importance of work ethic were incorrect.

A Yoga teacher I had would like to say that you can't break the laws of the universe, you can only break yourself over them. You get out what you put in. If I was "getting out" those good KPIs for success that I internalized growing up, then what was the hidden cost?

A few months into my #winning adult life I found myself already taking for granted my Major Life Accomplishment Thus Far. After all, I should expect to have done well, I've been gifted all my life. Being considered gifted cost me my sense of accomplishment and appreciation.

I began repeating my past behaviors of latching on to new mountains. Hobbies, fitness, social-life all new conduits for channeling the tired idea that I am not enough.

Not only did I have this greek tragedy complex going, I felt constant shame at being mentally unhealthy given my privilege and circumstances.

The work I saved learning calculus needed to be spent working on my perspective and attitude. That is the realization I (understandably) lacked the perspective to have when I was younger.

Would I struggle to accept myself if I had to work harder through school/life? Unclear, I have seen this type of psychosis resonating with some other friends I have who also grew up "gifted".

The real mountain was never a goal that my gifted-kid ego attached itself to. The real mountain was accepting myself and loving myself when I struggle and pick up new things slowly. That is my real challenge, work ethic was always a red herring.

I better understand now that every mountain has been just an obstacle i conjured for myself to justify my difficultly loving and appreciating myself. Love for self became conditional on maintaining my internal delusion that I am gifted and smart.

The wrestling match of me vs. myself is still ongoing. Was I ever really lazy? To what extent is this complex inherited vs. a product of my choices? Am I just supposed to meditate the mountain away cause it's all in my head anyway?

Today, my mental state still impedes my ability to practice skills that I think I am bad at/not predisposed to. I feel just as much shame and embarrassment singing in the shower as I would at karaoke.

This self-flagellation makes practicing difficult skills and overcoming the initial clunkiness of learning a new thing extremely taxing. Aspirations, dreams and intentions poisoned by my ego when all they need is sun, water, patience and love.

In an effort to Untangle The Mind and Free The Soul, I've been sipping on the 2020 cocktail of yoga/meditation, therapy, charming memoirs of successful people + their anxieties, internet productivity content, passionate twitter personalities, u name it.

Trying to introduce my reflexively critical state of mind to appreciation and acceptance has been a confusing and isolating process for me. I can't say I've drastically improved my peace of mind quite yet. I do enjoy quite a bit more clarity now though.